The Video Tape

Robbie's house was where the kid's went to drink, smoke, do drugs and watch porn.

It's not that Robbie had the laid back parents. That was Jacob's house. Jacob's mom would let you do anything drugs that weren't white, so long as you brought enough to share. Jacob's mom was on an anti-drug crusade as much as the other parents, she was just more particular about which drugs. You might have a room full of kids sitting around tripping on acid, that she had supplied, listening to her horror stories of the government putting some kind of tracking device in crank. Let's face it though, kids will do drugs. Maybe giving them honest, if somewhat paranoid, advice about which drugs are REALLY bad isn't such a crazy idea. That little nano-bots will crawl through your pores and report your location to the helicopter over head if you accidentaly do the government's tweek, well, okay that was a pretty crazy idea.

Robbie's dad was actually the most likely to shoot you for doing drugs in his house. He was insane and he had guns, a winning combination. Robbie's dad believed The Beatles "and their damn drugs" are what "ruined music." He did introduce me to Roy Orbison though, so he wasn't all bad. And I loved going to see Ernest movies with Robbie and his family. You've never heard anyone laugh so loud as they did when Ernest saved Christmas or went to camp. Robbie would get embarassed but I loved it and to this day I watch ol' Ernest anytime the TV people decide to feature one of his mad cap adventures.

Robbie's dad was a fireman and so worked 48 hour shifts. He was also a nymphomaniac, as was Robbie's mom so she was often at the fire department as well, taking care of things in the parking lot. They had a great "bedroom on wheels" style van that served them well.

When Robbie's dad wasn't keeping the van a rockin' (don't bother knockin') while on the clock at the Fire Department he and his mate were doing up the swingers scene. This left an empty house much of the time, and since dad the nutcase was a survivalist he kept the place unbelievably well stocked with munchies. An extra restaurant size freezer and refrigerator in the garage in addition to a full one in the house meant that when the nuclear bombs started falling Robbie's family would have all the post apocalypse frozen pizzas they'd need. It also meant stoned kids watching dirty movies didn't have to venture out to 7-11 where they were likely to run into their own parents or the over enthusiastic local cops. Those suburban cops are bored enough to be a real pain in the ass for no reason.

Robbie unfortunately was the nut that didn't fall too far from the tree. He was the kid who found out which aerosols granted the good highs, and which ones made your friends wonder if it was time to call 911. Robbie did any and all drugs that were available and when not much was available Robbie was an adventurer, ingesting household cleaners, smoking various vegetables, and keeping notes. VCR head cleaner by the way will give you a ride you wouldn't believe, just one of many exciting discoveries made in Doctor Robbies laboratory.

On a typical night at Robbie's we were chowing down chocolate chip granola bars and the ever popular frozen pizzas. There was nothing worth watching on cable and so Robbie was persuaded to grab the video tapes out of his parent's closet. These were unlabeled tapes. I don't know where they came from but I imagined the swingers folks swapped and traded tapes they had dubbed. Why this household had no originals from which to dub I couldn't figure, but it wouldn't be hard to believe that Robbie's dad would be the cheapskate that took, but did not leave, a penny from the dish down at the 7-11.

Robbie popped in the first flick and we all focused like we never did in pre-algebra, but it was pretty amateur. Hairy and nasty and all around uncomfortable to look at it. Boos and pizza crusts were hurled at the screen as Robbie inhaled something he claimed was jet fuel. He buzzed his way to the VCR, hit the eject and barely managed to pop in tape number two.

As Robbie took another deep inhale his parents appeared on screen. Robbie must not have registered this fact too quickly because he just stood frozen as his dad pounded his mom from behind while she chewed on the most insane sized dildo I'd ever seen. It gets worse. Robbies dad began chanting "I'm gonna put it in the butt, I'm gonna put it in the butt!" to Robbie's mom's return chant of "No, No, not in the butt. Not in the butt."

Well, he did put it in the butt and Robbie's mom, in a most politically incorrectly move decided that despite her repeated pleas of "No, No, Not in the butt. Not in the butt." being ignored, it being in the but was indeed a good thing. "NO MEANS NO!" I felt like screaming. It wasn't easy being a porn loving feminist teenager watching his freind's parents not respecting sexual boundaries.

I pondered what their safe word might be, as Robbie lurched forward and pushed the eject button on the VCR hard enough to send the entire machine spinning off the television and onto the floor. The tape went off, but not before we all heard his mom start singing a little song along the lines of "I love it, I love it, I love it in the butt."

I could've sat there in shock for quite some time but instead I had to jump into action as my very stupid friend Mike began berating Robbie. "What the fuck dude! Why'd you turn off the fuckin' video. Dude, he was totally giving it to her in the ass. And THAT BITCH WAS LOVING IT!"

I punched Mike as hard as I could and told Robbie to go outside. He grabbed his jet fuel and his cigarettes and headed out to the driveway without a word.I turned on Mike, "What wrong with you man? Those were his freakin' parents!"

"Bullshit dude. That wasn't his folks." Mike knew Robbie's folks. Mike had lived two houses from Robbie's folks all his life. How the hell could Mike not be able to tell that these were Robbie's parents.

"Mike. I'm gonna put this on for just a second. You look good. Then you shut your god damn mouth." I popped the world's most evil video tape back in and Mike squinted.

"Dude, that is so hot. And so not Robbie's parents." he moaned.

"Mike. Look at the bed. Look at the blankets. Look at the big ass painting of a lion with a giant afro on the wall! Now come here." I lead him to Robbie's parent's room. There it was. The bed. The blankets. The big ass painting of the lion with a giant afro. I took a chance and moved a pillow. There it was. The mondo plastic phallus, with chew marks. "Now Mike, will you shut up."

"Dude. Let me have that tape dude. I can't believe Robbie's mom loves it in the ass." He must have seen the hatred in my eyes as he took a few steps back, but he just got more desperate. "C'mon man, you don't understand, I really have to have that tape."

"Mike. You're gonna go home now or I'm going to beat the crap out of you. If you talk to Robbie, one word, I'm going to beat the crap out of you. If you do anything other than walk out that door I'm going to beat the crap out of you." I was no bully, but sometimes a guy needs to have the crap beaten out of him, and when you're bigger than he is, you should not be stingy with this service.

"Dude. I can't go home, I'm high! I'll be cool man. Don't make me go home." and with this, Mike started to cry.

"I don't care where you go. I'm not gonna call your house and check on you, I just need you out of here."

"Dude! There's nowhere else to go man. I'm high dude. You can't kick me out man." The tears were really flowing.

"Alright Mike. Go to the back bedroom and go to sleep or something."

"Thanks dude. Thanks. Really man, I'm too high to go anywhere else man. I'll just go to sleep." and as Mike turned to go to the back room I punched him, as hard as I could on the back of his right shoulder, causing him to drop the tape of Robbie's parents that he was trying to hide in his sweatshirt.

I ushered him into the back bedroom, with him crying all the way. I announced "Every time I see you I'm going to hit you, so don't let me see you." I shut the door.

I had no idea what to say to Robbie. I found him sitting on the driveway. He didn't look too bad off. He'd been dealing with nympho parents for years I guess. His mom had often answered the phone in the middle of the act. "Is Robbie There?" "Um, yes, but, oooh, ah, I can't get him right now!" "Okay, you insane woman? Why don't you hang up and then let me call back and DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE?!" "Oh, Oh, Okay." "Thanks. And tell you're husband I said 'Hi!'"

I wondered if maybe Robbie was partially just going through the motions becuase this was supposed to be upsetting. Robbie would like to appear as a normal guy, and get a little attention from his friends. I'm guessing Robbie was confused and not sure how to feel. It was a pretty bizarre situation and he had all the jet fuel swimming around in his geneticaly doomed brain.

"You okay dude?" I asked.

He didn't look at me as he answered. "Yeah. I'm alright." He flicked his cigaretted down the driveway. "Let's go watch Dawn of The Dead." And that's just what we did. Man, that's a great flick.