Yeah, so I'm networking

Okay, so I'm at that stage where I need to ask my friends and perfect strangers as well if they know anyone in the book publishing/agenting business who would be willing to look at my query letter. This is exciting. You can be a part of getting my book published, for real! And then I have a fence you can whitewash for me! Rad! The query letter looks a bit like this:

Dear whoever

I am seeking representation for my memoir, Work Ethic? Complete at 113,5000 words.

Work Ethic? is based on my own adventures seeking identity and employment in the American job market, being hired and fired (sometimes I quit) from over 30 jobs before my 30th birthday.

While on the clock, and in the pages of Work Ethic? I have;

• Had a SWAT Team aim guns at my head. (Theatre Manager)
• Been arrested for bringing a gun into an international airport. (Flyer Distribution)
• Done dishes with a rock star. (Café Dishwasher)
• Been punched in the face by my boss. (Former Bus Boy)
• Punched a subordinate in the face. (Film Festival Promoter)
• Called for the internment of all Arab American's on a nationally syndicated "angry white guy with a goatee" type radio show. (There was a context to this.)
  

Work Ethic will appeal to fans of Michelle Tea, Beth Lisick, Dave Eggers, Hillary Carlip and David Sedaris. The book is told with a sense of humor but often explores the dark and even the mundane moments that one comes across while seeking enlightenment and employment.

Work Ethic existed first as a blog, written almost entirely while on the clock. The blog has been immensely popular drawing up to 85,000 views per month with not a dime spent on promotion.

In addition to working too many jobs I’ve made a name for myself as a comedian, freelance writer and weird uncle.

My interview credits include Bob Newhart, Ryan Styles, Neil Hamburger, Gift of Gab, and my hero The Unknown Comic. In five years of professional writing I’ve covered mixed martial arts fighting, music, book, comic book and art reviews, comedy and technology.

Thank you for you consideration.
Sincerely,

Keith Lowell Jensen



An excerpt from The Washington Posts review of Morbid Curiosity

“The Morbid the Merrier? Alas, No More.
By Peter Carlson
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, June 20, 2006; C02
The funniest of these medical horror stories is "I Hate My Guts," Keith Lowell Jensen's hilarious account of his colon disease. Like any good colon disease tale, it gets a little . . . um, gamey. But if you stick with it, you're rewarded with the story of Jensen's colonoscopy photos.
"The photos were shown around," he writes. "They were even published online, resulting in a fan site dedicated to my colon and an original piece of art being made from the photos and submitted to be displayed at the California State Fair. The State Fair rejected my colon."
Needless to say, Morbid Curiosity didn't reject Jensen's colon, and his colonoscopy photos illustrate this demented masterpiece.”

My Latest Rejection Letter

Hi Keith,

Thank you so much for letting us take a look at your proposal, WORK ETHIC, but I’m sorry to report that we’re going to pass. This is a great concept, and some of the stories are hilarious, but I’m afraid we didn’t feel that there were enough common threads that wove the collection together. And so we just weren’t convinced we could publish this successfully.

I’m sorry not to be more enthusiastic about this project, but thanks again for sharing it with us. I wish you the best of luck in finding a publisher!

Best wishes,

(her name here)

I decided to send the following reply, figuring "Hey, she already said no, what could it hurt?"

(her name here)
Thanks for taking the time to read 'Work Ethic?' and I'm glad to hear that you found some of it hilarious.

I will take your comments into account as I continue to work on the manuscript. If it makes any difference, please know that I would be open to working with you on making the book more marketable.

At any rate, I appreciate your time, and I hope you will not mind if I send you a rewrite of this manuscript in the future or perhaps a query letter for my next manuscript.

Thanks again,
Keith

I am willing to work with a publisher on making my book more "marketable". Does that make me a sell out? The way I figure it, I have the original. It exists and will always exist. If I have to make small changes that are not artistically objectionable to me in order to break into the publishing game, that's fine.
If I manage to sell some books, I'll have more say in the future.
Besides, my work for the News and Review is run through an editor and I'm often quite pleased with the changes they make.

Still trying

So, my friend Ken continues to be amazingly helpful and generous in helping me out as I try to get my book published. He recommended my manuscript to someone at Simon and Schuster and she agreed to look at it saying that she liked the sound of the concept.

It's unusual, as far as I know, for a bigger publisher like this to look at an unagented manuscript. I am ready to receive another rejection letter, not to say that I'm not hopeful but I realize that I really am starting with the folks that are up in the major leagues and working my way down. I will be totally satisfied, thrilled in fact if I end up playing in the minors. There are still many, many more rejection letters ahead of me before I reach the smaller, independent type publishers. I hope those analogies are accurate as I know nothing about baseball.

In the meanwhile, I'm mailing off my short stories to magazines. I mailed one off today to XYXXYVA, a really cool short story mag. I'm getting one ready to send to Zoetrope. Okay then, just thought I'd offer an update on the goings on of a aspiring writer.

Inspired

Nothing like a bit of rejection to get my wheels turning. Since getting the rejection slip from the second agent to look at my book I've mailed out two copies of my self published book of short stories to potential reviewers, done a ton of work on my Atheist Survival guide and started collecting information on submitting some short stories to magazines. Being desperate for a few successes is a good thing for me motivation wise.

The Rejection Letter

"I read your piece with great interest. I admire your drive for success and ambition. The focus of your memoir is a good one, especially in a world where young people can expect to bounce from job to job. However, I was unable to sufficiently connect to the narrative voice, which is imperative for memoirs of this kind. For this reason I am sorry to say that I will not be able to offer representation."

SHIT

I finished that last post, went home to grab some lunch, and while I was there my rejection letter came in the mail. DAMN! I'm really upset, more than I should be. I try not to get overly invested but I can't help it, and now I'm really bummed. I feel exhausted and tired of... well, just tired. I work full time, and then I do plays, and comedy shows and writing and its just go, go, go. I almost enjoy being sick because it means being still for a bit, but by the second day I'm feeling restless and I'm back at my laptop and on the phone.
Damn.
Rejection letters suck.
I try to remember that every successful artist has a file of rejection letters. Unfortunately every unsuccessful artist I know does too. Damn.

The Waiting

Well, the agent who requested my manuscript back in December after liking my query letter has not yet given me the yay or the nay. Her office did send me some release forms and after having an attorney friend look at them I signed away and sent them back. The waiting makes me crazy, but my friend Ken, who referred me to this agent in the first place, says its a good thing, that she'd have let me know right away if it was a definite no. He feels like I must still be in the running. It would be really great to be represented by a good agent and to be able to give a bit more time to writing.

In the meanwhile, I continue to work on The Atheist Survival Guide, which I hope to have done by March. I'm also working on my next blog, Ritalin. I'm scanning old school photos and family portraits which will serve to illustrate my tales of public schooling gone awry. And my buddy Jason from Gas, Food, Theater will be helping me make some postcards to advertise the new blog when it launches. So, plenty to keep me busy. I was home sick for 2 and a half days, so what I should really be busy with is getting caught up at work, but where's the fun in that?

Another agent lookin' at my book

Well, I applied for another rejection slip yesterday. Not that I'm really that pesimistic. I'm working to keep myself from getting too invested in each agent I submit too. The method here is to start at the top with the big shot agents I have very little chance at getting and work my way down. This agent is higher up the ladder than the last one I submitted to. I sent her my querry letter and I guess it grabbed her interest as she requested to see more within thirty minutes of getting it. So, I sent her my excerpts and the book itself via e-mail.
She's on holiday until after the New Year so my hope is that she got my material on time and is taking it home with her. Wish me luck.

What are these agents like anyway? Are they like agent Smith in The Matrix? Or more like Agent 99 from Get Smart? I would like a combination. A whole gang of Agent 99s that would attack me...WITH KISSES! .... um I'd better go now.

Rejected

Well the first agent passed on my book.

It feels good to have it out of the way, and I knew that it was unrealistic to think this would be easy. I do have to admit though, I am worried about how long and how much energy this will take. I have friends who have been piling up the rejection letters for years and I'm really hoping that's not what I'm getting started here.

I have faith that the work is good though. I haven't had to beg people to read it. I've had tons of people read the whole thing, and it's HUGE and I've had more than one person let me know that they read it twice, so I will try to remain confident that it's just a matter of finding the right match for me as far as agents go.

Here's the letter. You can pretend that you're the one being rejected, it's fun:

(Put Your Name Here),

I took a look at this and although you are undoubtedly funny, this project isn't for me. Unfortunately, a nonfiction project without a "name" (forgive my Hollywood talk, please) or platform attached is a tough sell. And also, I just don't personally connect to your tales.

I'm sure you've heard the "agenting is very subjective" bit before, but it really is true. Although your project is not right for my particular list, it very well could be a perfect fit for someone else.

I wish you tremendous luck in finding the ideal advocate for your work.

Sincerely,
(I'm not putting her name here out of respect)

It was a polite letter and it didn't leave me feeling too rejected. Minutes after I got the letter a coworker came in and told me that he very likely has cancer. Damn. That sucks. Sort of robs me of my pitty party there don't it?

Nervous

Pray to Boognish
I'm not good with rejection. I have filmmaker friends and friends in bands who have rejection walls, where they post all their rejection letters from various agencies, labels, etc.
I have only a few rejection e-mails, all from Sketch Comedy festivals. Each one was a stab in the gut for me. I need to thicken my skin.

Well, now I have this damn book and I need to find representation. I didn't end up just cold sending my query letters to random agents like most folks would have had to do. I called up my friend Ken, who has actually published with Simon and Schuster and asked for help.

Ken thinks I'm pretty funny. In fact we know each other from his coming to my comedy shows, though it turns out his brother is my high-school friend Matt. So anyway I showed Ken my query letter. He thought the book sounded good and then showed the query letter to the agent who handled the foreign rights for his book. She agreed to look at a fifty page excerpt.

I've now sent her the excerpt. And it's making me crazy. I wait for her to reject it or to ask to see more. I'm rereading my book, totally full of doubt. Worried that it moves too fast over the huge span of time it covers. Worried that my writing is too direct. I'm not much for flowery descriptions of people or places. I prefer to let you get to know the characters and settings slowly as they react to the events of the story, but I'm second guessing myself every which way.

I'm glad I did it though. If she passes on the book I will print out the rejection e-mail. I'll post it to my wall, and then I'll send the query letter to the next agent on my list and I'll hatch a new set of butterflies to flap around in my rumbling belly.

Of course, if she decides to take on the project, then I'll do a happy dance. I'll film my happy dance and post it here. So, if you want to see a happy dance cross your fingers, pray to boognish, light a candle, sacrifice a cricket, lick a toadstool, do whatever you have to do to trick the universe into breaking it's own rules in my favor. Peace.