Yet MORE Atheistic Stand Up...

I did finally get up a couple of new stand up videos. I'm still on the religious beat as The Coexist Comedy Tour continues to be my main gig.

More Goofing On Religion


Goofing on Religion

Transsexual Comedy Ha Has Update

So my friend Paige (see last post) was back at the comedy club this weekend. By several accounts she tore it up. One good set is all it takes, Paige will now be hopelessly addicted to the art form of stand up. Once you get that laugh you just can't live without it.

I missed it as I was home sick, but someone taped and Paige is hoping to get some clips.
I will be there next week with my own camera.

Transsexual Comedy Ha Has

So, my friend Paige decided to try stand up comedy. Paige premiered her act at a mainstream club in front of a bunch of tax agents who'd come together as some sort of work field-trip or something. Paige is a transsexual about four months into transitioning. They were the perfect audience for that, yeah?I think she did great. She has the material, once the confidence and volume rise a bit, watch out Jay Leno!

Asshole :)

So, I heard tell of a drunk asshole leaving The Crest noisily during the premier of my movie, maybe it was two drunk assholes, reports vary.
At any rate the guy working the door of The Crest asked the (or one of the) drunk asshole(s) if said employee could be off service. "Go look up the word bourgeois, faggot!" came the reply.

What a dick. I hate people who just assume that they're brilliant because they know a word like bourgeois and that nobody else would know that word. I picture them at home looking up new words to help them feel elite. Like bourgeois is such a rare word anyway. Sheesh. Oh well, I had a laugh and moved on. Another report came in, around the time that I first heard it might be two guys, that one of the guys yelled "Fuck the Police" as he was leaving. Okay. I really don't mind if people fuck the police as long as all parties involved are consenting adults.

I've now come to find out that one of these assholes was an old friend of mine. I saw him earlier in the evening, drunk as a skunk. He was there with the mother of his children and I guess their relationship had seen better places. My film has the distinction of being the final straw. He hated it, was offended by it, even commented that he felt sorry for anyone who liked it.

This pisses me off. This friend of mine has always been more radical than me politically, but we've gotten along. I let the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade guys that he brought to town crash in my living room. I attended a pro-choice rally in SF with him. He was communist, I'm more of a free market democratic-socialist (aka a liberal) but we respected each other. I'm sad to see he has not grown up.

So, my old drunk friend, here is a fuck you. Fuck you for dismissing my movie and talking shit on me without even sticking around long enough to see where I was going with it. Fuck you for not sticking around and for not giving me the benefit of the doubt. Fuck you for being too drunk to be aware of what I was doing anyway. Fuck you for disrespecting me publicly without ever having the balls to discuss it with me face to face (not that your drunk ass would be qualified to discuss a film you dismissed without even seeing it.)

I know those days of fighting the power via random acts of violence and vandalism were very exciting and romantic. Sorry you got stuck there.

The Granddaddy of atheist comics

Goodbye George Carlin.
I'm only sad because I'll miss seeing his HBO specials and because I wanted to shake his hand one day, but I'm glad for him and the amazing life he got to live. He enjoyed more longevity in his career than any comic I can think of. He became a household name and didn't get killed despite saying what everyone else was afraid to say, and I'm sure that his hero, Mr. Lenny Bruce would have been very proud to have had George carrying on that torch. Gorge Carlin will not be soon forgotten.

Uh, yeah, about that....

Boy howdy I sure suck at updating this blog. I like the blogger.com blogs like this one much better than the clunky old myspace.com blogs which frankly bite big one, but it is those clunky biters of big ones that get the readership and so I end up doing all my blogging over there. Sorry. I will try to better about copy and pasting the stuff on over to here.

For now let me catch you up. I'm married, been to Italy, haven't done any thank you cards or other post wedding stuff, am approaching the final weekend of a four week run at The Geery theatre in Sacramento with The Coexist Comedy Tour and I've been hitting the open mic at Laugh's Unlimited again for the sake of trying out some new material. Yeah.
Okay then, see ya.

Oh, and if you'd like to visit me there, my myspace is www.myspace.com/keithlowelljensen

A Story

Written in a hurry on the day before I am to be wed so it isn't edited and is a jumbled mess, but I like it. Enjoy... Click Here for more fiction

It was April 1st, I thought I was being funny…
I walked into the corner store, where they know me well
I said, "Stick 'em up, this is a hold up!"
And before I could say "April Fools" the red and blue
Lights surrounded the places
Shadows lept every which way
Luckily I found an empty space on a shelf
I lay down in it and pretended I was product
My ruse worked for three days
For three days, I pretended I was made in Taiwan
And all I had to eat were Styrofoam peanuts
packed in with my neighbor The blender
Until, while doing inventory a young employee
Scanned me with the UPC scanner gun
I smiled and my teeth
gave a reading
Apparently, I was on sale

A childless housewife unable to pass up a bargain
Took me to her home, empty, as her husband
Spent all his time on the road getting happy ending massages
In motel rooms
Wishing
He had a conference or sales meeting to attend
She gave me a shower, made me a sandwich
And we made love in the backyard
I said I gotta go now,
she said no,
I own you
I reminded her of the emancipation proclamation
But she claimed it didn't apply to middle aged white guys
How do I pay my debt to you, I pleaded
More love in the back yard?
But apparently I hadn't been as thrilling a lover as I'd thought
She handed me some paper towels and windex
And set me to work on the windows

Her husband came home just then
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, them are my windows,
You're squeezing my paper towels
and his wife, she swooned
Oh baby, I love it when you're jealous
She was pulling his clothes off and making for the backyard

I took the opportunity to sneak out the front door
And put out my thumb
A beautiful young woman picked me up
She said hey baby, you wanna have a little fun
I was still shaken from my failure with the housewife
And I was anxious to get better
I said yeah, that sounds real nice
She said "there'll be a price."
I said "excuse me?", and I realized she was a whore
An old and honorable profession
How much I inquired
Ten dollars a go!
I only intended one time around but at that price
I might go twice
We climbed into the back seat
Oh Baby, Oh Baby, she cried
Ten, Oh Oh, Twenty, Yes Yes, Thirty
I said, hey hey, what's with the counting?
She said honey, I'm counting orgasms
You owe me ten for each one
Oh no, I realized, she counted by HERS NOT MINE!?
It was too late to stop now, so I tried to hurry
And I tried, not to do it too well
But it couldn't be helped and as I finally yelled out
"OH Holy Hell, I'm BROKE!"
She'd gotten over a thousand

I can't pay that I asked, so what do you do?
You callin' some crazy pimp on me?
I don't have a pimp.
I'm a small business owner she boasted
Good I said, A pimp is a dirty awful thing
Now excuse me while I skip out on my bill

I turned to look back and I saw her shedding a tear
She shed another
And I realized there were more powerful things
Than men in furry hats with gold teeth and a limp
"Alright, alright. I said, returning
and I swear them tears ran up her cheek
and jumped back into her eyes
waiting for the next sucker
Park right here I instructed her
I headed into the corner store

I said, "Stick 'em up, this is a hold up!"
And before I could say "I really need the money."
The red and blue lights were back.
I was smarter this time though.
I hid in the grocery aisle
And passed myself of as a box of cornflakes.

Click Here for more fiction

Pass The Torch

My buddy Jason and I were chatting about the Torch going through France. If you missed the news, protesters came out en masse and the torch was extinguished many time and transported by van over several stretches.

I noticed the French tried a pretty sneaky trick. During the most heavily protested parts of the course they used guys in wheel chairs (or they just had the runner sit in a wheel chair when they saw protester. "Merde! There they are. Okay Jaques, back in zee chair.") But the plan failed and the French protesters went right on chuckin’ water bottles and booin’.

I worry that in the American Torch relay the wheel chair trick will work and the protesters will refrain from bum rushing and then the wheel chair bound torch carrier will feel discriminated against and raise lawsuits against the protesters who failed to protest and just for once I’d really like us to NOT look stupid in the eyes of the world. I guess, what I’m really trying to say here is, "Hey, Tibet loving hippies, Go Get Them Crippled Bastards." but I mean it in the most politically correct way imaginable.

And to my friends in the media; there are plenty of really smart people that want to use this opportunity to say China Is Not Nice.
Please refrain from interviewing the frat boy who is there because, ""Dude, I’m totally opposed to China. I was at that Beastie Boys concert and like Tibet is soo rad and China is way lame." and also , please avoid the blogger who says "China is not nice."

Fish In A Barrel, someones gotta shoot ’em

Charlton Heston is dead.
At last, we can pry the gun from his cold dead fingers!!!

OOPS!

We can learn a-lot from the Oreos Cookie folks.
Some guy is working in the factory, its probably late, he gets distracted by sheila, the smokin’ hot forklift driver and so...He Hits a Wrong Button!
The result is Oreos that have the colors reversed: White cookies, chocolate insides.
Does he get fired? No. The big bosses are cool. They just roll with it. "Uh Oh Oreos" hit the market. And they’re great.

The cereal folks understand the concept too. Remember Cap’n Crunch’s "Oops Just Berries"? Good stuff.

So look, let’s quit being dicks okay? Let’s get off George Bush’s ass. Get your American flag out, and just try to enjoy "Oops, we invaded the wrong country!" Really now, life doesn’t have to be so heavy.