More Monica and Victoria

My relationship with Monica got off to a great start. I'd had sex, plenty of it, and now I was enjoying going real slow. She was not very experienced sexually and not sure when she'd want our relationship to take that step. This was fine with me. We'd spend hours kissing and cuddling and falling asleep together. We took walks and visited with friends and I was real happy with how things were progressing.

Monica was excited about life and she recharged my passion for exploring the world around me. We scoped out new spots along the river, visited army surplus stores and pet shops that I hadn't noticed before right in my own neighborhood. She was determined to find a way into the legendary underground city that the Chinese traders had built when Sutter ruled Sacramento and made it impossible for them to do business out in the open. Even eating became an adventure as we tried every little restaraunt in town; Indian, Thai, Japanese, and we shopped at all the funky little groceries stores and at the Natural Foods Co-op, always looking out for new foods to try. we tried exotic vegetables and fruit but we also ate up all the new prepackaged processed garbag we could find. Something about junk food marketed as health food or junk food from other cultures was just delightful, like someone else's nostalgia.

We were sitting in Buffalo Bill's Ice Cream in Old Sacramento when I looked at Monica and it dawned on me just how strongly I felt about her and how happy the last few weeks had been. "I Love You!" I said, sounding surprised.

"Thank you." she replied, smiling. Not the response I expected, but somehow better. When I did get an I love you back it wouldn't be a pressured response, it would a sincere, freely given expression. It felt like we were doing good, being thoughtful and not falling into the typical relationship traps.

It really bothered me that I had cheated on Eve. I thought cheaters were the worst. I decided I wouldn't do that again, and since I'd never thought I'd do it to begin with I took steps to insure the promise could be kept. I told Monica I would not commit to a monogamous relationship. I would be her boyfriend and I would be there for her, but we would both be free to see other people. I got the impression that this was what she wanted as well. It felt right. We had it all. We loved being together and we didn't have to worry about resenting each other for what were missing nor did we have to worry that the other was stepping out. It was scary that the other would fal for someone else, but that could happen anyway, and I would rather lose her than hang onto her because she'd made a promise. I wanted to be together because we'd chosen to be together. I felt good about this decision. I felt mature and intelligent.

I felt especially good about it when I met Victoria. I don't remember who introduced us, which fits as Victoria was a very independent woman. She was strikingly pretty with full lips and heavy eylelids. Her light brown hair had highlights and she dressed in very feminine slightly hippie chic style, which suited her quite nicely. She did a little bit of modeling, drove a VW Bug that she worked on with her dad and she had an amazing smile. We talked over coffee and then up in my room. I'd moved into a two bedroom good sized apartment. I still lived with Chris but I had my own room now. Victoria and I enjoyed the view my second story room offered as we talked until the sun came up. We kissed as she said goodbye.

I told Monica about her right away and she started crying. I told her that we could change the relationship. That we could be monogomous but she instisted that I continued to see Victoria.

"I just need to get used to it is all. I'll relax. And I need to go on a date, to see what i's like so I understand." She said, her tears drying.

"Are you sure?"

She said she was, and I took her on it. I didn't share more about Victoria than necessary and since she lived a good couple of hours drive from Sacramento we didn't see each other more than a few times a month.

Like Monica, Victoria did not have much expeirence sexually, and the experience she did have had been bad, so we mostly made out. But we made out hot and heavy. Our clothes stayed on but we wrapped around each other and squeezed, grinding into each other and rolling about. Not having sex had some advantages. I was enjoying getting back in touch with feeling that had at one time been mostly centered around frustration. Now I could really enjoy the hours of teasing. I did, twice have to sneak slyly to the bathroom to change my pants after make out sessions with Victoria got too hot.

When Bryna got back in to town after working a season in Yosemite I figured we could revive our friends with priviledges relationship. I invited her to join me and Khrys on a trip to see My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult in San Francisco. The concert was super sex charged and so was I. I had thought about Bryna many times while she was away. We got back to my place and into bed. After a few good night kisses, I reached for the buttons on her jeans. She moved my hands away.

I meant to say, "Hey, I love you. I've always loved you. I want to have an honest relationship with, to do it right this time." What I said instead was, "Let's not fuck around this time. We're going to kiss, and then kiss some more, and then pretend it's an accident when we end up fucking. Let's just admit that it's what we want and cut the bullshit?"

Her response was a basic 'fuck you' as she headed for the door. I followed her downstairs. "Bryna, don't leave. I don't want you leave." She flashed my a harsh look and continued getting her shoes on. "Okay fine, but listen, if you leave, don't come back, and don't be pissed if you do and I don't let you in, because I'm warning you that I won't. If you walk out that door, it's for good." She walked out the door. I went back to bed.

A few hours later I heard a knocking. It was Bryna. "I told you I wasn't going to let you back in." She started walking off and I opened the door. "No, stop, you can come back." She didn't, and I watched my best friend walk out of my life.

Monica found someone she was interested in dating. My good friend Kurt. She couldn't have made a worse choice. Victoria and Monica didn't know each other, had no friends in common, lived miles apart. Kurt and I were in a band together for crissakes. To make things worse he didn't do real well with the ladies being the kind of sweet guy that every girl wants to be best friends with, so when she showed interest he knew he was in love that instant. He and I managed to remain friends but it quickly became apparent that things weren't working. She would have to decide between us. She could not date us both. I was sure it was a no brainer. She would continue to be my girlfriend. He was just someone she dated. When she made it a big decison I felt like it was compassion for Kurt rather than affection, that she wanted him to feel like he was in the running. She dragged it on long enough that I started to worry.

I sat with Kurt one night, drinking and cursing women kind. I looked at my keychain, a part that had off of Eve's car. I had once met a psychic and had become convinced that items absorbed some record of the people who touched them. I rubbed the keychain and held it, it became a sort of talisman for me. I took it off my keychain and through it into the street. I couldn't seem to shake the same hurts and bumps, and I decided to say fuck you to my past, to try to live by the moment.

I went home and within a few days Monica and I decided to be exclusive. I told Victoria and she seemed fine with it. We would remain friends. I worried about her, that she was okay with everything. I wondered if she was hurting and just keeping it to herself. I was sincere in saying that I looked forward to continuing our friendship.

Monica and I played cupid and set Kurt up with one of Monica's workmates. They hit it off and were married a few years later.

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Monica

I picked up Eve from the bus station. I still didn't drive, so picked Eve up means I met her there and walked with her to where she had left her car. She was arriving back from visiting her brother in San Francisco.

"There's nothing here for me." she told me, crying. "Nothing."

She repeated the word nothing enough times to insure I got it. Nothing. Not even me. She announced she'd be moving to S.F. I was stupid enough to think we'd try a long distance relationship. We'd been having a long distance relationship already and she lived a few blocks from me. I considered asking her to marry me. An ex of hers beat me to it, and she actually considered the proposal. The guy was a complete tool. And millitary man. I was ready to let go.

Eve moved. She didn't say much of a goodbye, she was just gone. She somehow missed S.F. by quite a bit and landed in Nashville.

I fought so hard for so long to hang on to my relationship with her and now she was gone, and I didn't shed a tear. I felt relieved and slightly sad. Despite my resistance part of me had said goodbye to her months ago.

Arriving at home I was greet by Khrys. "Hey. You're friend moved in across the hall."

"Who?"

"The girl that was dating Roger, I don't remember her name."

Did she mean Monica? Roger dated a lot of girls, usually not for very long. I walked across the hall and peered in through the open door. Monica sat, with bleached white hair wearing loose fitting white pants and a white t-shirt. There were boxes all around her and she was flipping through photos. I just stood and stared, the scene was so beautiful. Eventualy she looked up and smiled.

"Hi. Khrys told me you moved in." I said from my side of the screen.

"Hi Keith. Come on in."

I sat on the floor next to her and we flipped through photos. She told me about each of the photos and I loved getting to know her so quickly as we zoomed back and forth through her life. We remained there until well after midnight. She was falling asleep. I headed back to my own apartment.

I went to sleep, anxious to get back up and hang out some more. Over the next few days I lived to hang out with Monica. I rushed home from work. I'd hop out of bed and knock at her door to invite her out for coffee. I saw the old crowd again as Monica was friends with Gretchen and Monique and the whole crowd I'd left behind after a blow job in a closet. I had no doubt that Monica had heard stories about me, but I wasn't worried. I was at my best when I was her. She brought out my best and I had no doubt that we liked each other.

After a couple of weeks, or maybe a couple of days that felt like a couple of weeks we were in my apartment. She was saying goodnight after we'd spent the day hanging out with Monique who was back at Monica's place waiting for her.

"You know, they all think we're a couple." she laughed.

"Do you want to be? A couple, I mean." I stared into her big eyes as she started to smile. I leaned forward and kissed her. I'd been wanting to kiss her for days and it should have been magical. It was awkward and over too fast.

Monica went back to her apartment and I lay on my couch worrying that she didn't want me to kiss her. I had to work early the next day and it drove me crazy to have to wait before I could find out what was going on with Monica. I rushed to her door after work. She still had company over.

"Can we go somewhere and talk?" I asked, not wasting any time.

"Sure." We sat in the parking lot of our apartments.

"I hope last night was okay, I mean, I really like you." I started.

"I like you too."

"So, you're my girlfriend now?"

She smiled again. "Yes. And you're my boyfriend then?"

"Definitely." I was still worried about the kiss. "I know you have company, but I've been waiting all day for a chance to kiss you again." She was staring at me. I kissed her. She kissed back. It was sweet and wonderful. She had soft lips and she kissed softly. Her tongue lightly teasing along my lips. The deal was sealed, I was gone, hers, completely head over heels.

We walked back to her apartment holding hands and our friends gave up a few giggles and an "I knew it" or two.

A week later I was sitting next to my mom as she drove her van toward my new apartment.

"There's one for you." Mom pointed out a girl on the street. "Green hair, combat boots, a nose ring."

"That's Monica, the girl I was telling you about."

"Ha ha. Verry funny."

"No for real, pull over." I rolled down my window and called Monica over to introduce her to my mom. Monica was sweet and courteous, and I arranged to meet her at Java City later that night. As she walked of down the street my mom turned to me.

"Oh Keith, I'm sorry. I feel so stupid. She seems very nice."

"It's okay my mom. It's not like I didn't know she had green hair." I didn't. She had just died it. I thought it looked great on her.

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Mari's Back

Mari was in my living room, with Topher, her gentle giant (intellectualy and physically) of a husband. We were friends again, sort of, but she'd never fully forgiven me and was determined to prove I was an idiot many times over.

She made some comment about buffy girls or some such nonsense, and I responded with, "Fuck you Mari. Suck my dick."

"You're bluffing. You're full of shit." She snapped back.

"What? Bluffing about what?"

"You wouldn't let me suck your dick."

"WHAT! You're a freak. It's an expression."

"Whatever. You're full of shit."

"Well, I think you're nuts, but regardless, I don't think I'd be saying no to a blow job anytime soon." This was definitely the weirdest conversation I'd had with a woman and her husband.

"You are kind of full of shit Keith." Topher was apparently the perfect match for Mari.

"Okay you guys, this is getting stupid. There's really no way to prove if I'd let Mari suck my dick or not okay. So I'm full of shit, whatever, I'll choose a different expression next time. Let's move on."

"I'll be you twenty bucks." Mari offered.

"I'll put in twenty." Topher upped the stakes.

"What! This is crazy. So what, I have Mari, you're fuckin' wife, suck my dick and I get paid forty dollars."

"I have to watch."

"Oh, okay. Now I get it. This is just some kinky sex trip. You want to watch your wife suck off another man. No thanks."

"No, I have to watch or how do I know it happened?"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW? It's your wife! You've got one hell of a witness."

"Alright, whatever. I'm outta here. I'll leave twenty bucks with Mari, but I'm pretty sure it's comin' back. You are full of shit Keith." He said it so politely.

"Wait. If this happens, you're not going to kick my ass? I'm doing this with your permission?"

"Whatever." and he left, leaving Mari and I alone. 'Whatever' wasn't much of an answer.

"Okay Mari, this is weird but let's do this. But, I don't just get the money if we do this. I also get the money if you're bluffing." which is what I expected would happen.

We went in my room. I lay on my bed and Mari unzipped my pants. I was sure at any moment she would stop. She didn't. She gave me head and as it started to feel really nice I put my hands on the back of her head.

She stopped. "Don't hold my fucking head down."

"I wasn't."

"Keep your hands off my fucking head. You're not cumming in my mouth."

"Why not." It was probably a bad idea to bring up the last time we'd been together but I was unsure of the ettiquette rules when recieving a blowjob from someone who hates you. "You swallowed before."

"I loved you then. Now I think you're an asshole."

"So you have rules? You swallow if it's love, but not if you're sucking dick to win a bet."

"Shut the fuck up, and don't touch my fucking head." She snapped, punching me in the side. She went back to giving me head.

I touched her head twice more. I wasn't holding her down. I was gently, I just couldn't help myself. She punched and bit, and the situation got stranger. I felt myself getting ready to cum but I held back until at last I let it go without warning her.

It was an asshole thing to do, but she'd been assuring me that I was an asshole for well over a year. It seemed right. She punched me and cursed me as she made for the door.

"What about my money?"

"Fuck you. You came in my mouth. That cost you forty bucks asshole."

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Cat; Worst Date Ever

Things were slowing to a standstill with Eve. Some superstition or who knows what, kept me from having what I seemed to want with Bryna. I was ready to move outside of our friend group completely. Cat, who worked with my roommate Khrys, was cute and hip, a little older than me, and agreeable to a date.

I met her at her house where a small cocktail party was underway. She made fancy mixed drinks for her friends and I had a beer. I felt awkward and unsophisticated amongst her cool friends. They knew music I didn't know and didn't care too and they were phony in such an amazing and creative way. Finally the party was declared through as we had a show to get too. We were seeing Mr. Bungle at The Cattle Club.

We got in line and as Cat walked through the door ahead of me, security blocked my path. "Sold Out!"

The promoter was a friend of mine and I tracked him down. "Jerry, you gotta let me in. It's Mr. Bungle! And for chissakes I've got a hot date inside."

"If the date was hot she wouldn't be inside without you, but okay."

"Thanks Jerry. Um, hey, I've to two friends in line. Can they come in too?"

"Yeah, yeah, hurry up."

Roger was standing in the parking lot with his new girlfriend Monica. She was cute in a silly girl with a mohawk sort of way. We all got in and I found my date. She was in the bar, where I could not go as I was under 21. I watched as she took drinks from a crowd of guys who hadn't come for the music. I enjoyed the opening band and then grabbed a peak back into the bar. She was making out with some dork. Okay, date over. But I remained curious. I peaked in again a while later and she was straddling one guy while making out with a guy standing behind him. This date was way over. This date was a rotting corpse.

I focused on the show, which was great. On the way out she seemed to think she needed to check in with me, to get permission to go home with this dude. It seemed strange to me, but I told her I didn't give a shit what she did. Would she have come home with me if I'd insisted? Beinig hip didn't necessarily mean being strong, progressive or independent I decided.

Roger and Monica came by my place for a spell after. Monica was into art, particularly Hieronymus Bosch. I told her I was bored with surrealism, literalism and symbolism and that I liked art that simply and directly conveyed emotion. I liked art that didn't need to be discussed or analyzed. She was quiet. I think she felt judged. Her response was very different from Bryna's. I backed off.

Months later I told the story of my worst date ever when the local alternative weekly came around with their "Man on the street" interview. The story ran, and I got teased but I loved it. I felt like a published storyteller.

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More Eve and Bryna, plus a one night stand

As Eve and I grew further apart and less likely to end up back together, I became increasingly deteremined not to let go. That isn't to say I didn't take advantage of being free to pursue lovin' elsewhere; a body has needs.

Bryna and I fell together once more. We had a shower together, yet another instance of this girl helping me to push my boundaries. I had no problem being seen naked if I was erect, but I was horribly insecure otherwise. Trying to keep yourself covered with the same towel you're drying yourself with is no easy task. Afterwards we took a walk, holding hands, and it felt so wonderful. I thought for a second that Bryna would make a great girlfriend and then I returned to pursuing Eve.

My parents took Eve and I out to see a play and after the play and lunch, Eve pounced on me. I made a mental note that either musical theatre or hanging out with my folks made Eve hot, perhaps a combination of the two. This would be one of the last nights we'd spend together.

I went to a show and ran into my friend Michael and his very cute date. Michael was too busy hanging out with his guy pal's to give her much attention. I let the Henry Miller I'd been reading lend me some bravado.

"Would you like to spend the night with me?" I asked her just moments after we met.

"Yes." I wondered why I hadn't tried this approach before.

We got to my appartment, I now lived in a two bedroom, sharing a room with a new friend named Chris. "Psst, Chris, you gotta sleep on the couch man. I got a date."

"So. You sleep on the couch." He mumbled.

"Dude, I can't have sex on the couch. We have another roommate!" Our other roommate was girl Khrys.

"That aint my problem."

"Chris, dude, be serious. If one of us has a girl over the other has to give up the room. I mean, come on; I'd totally do it for you."

Chris did not think this was reasonable but I badgered him until he let me have the room. I had some sex. Quick, impersonal, sex. I tried to sleep but I couldn't manage it. I got up and headed to Bryna and Eve's house to sleep on their floor. I tried to get back early in the morning but the girl was gone. I decided not to do that again.

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Eve and Bryna

I'd had my one last blowjob in a closet. Now was the time to bring up the commitment topic with Eve. It's surprising isn't it? All that time waiting, and then I lose my virginity within a week of meeting this girl, prior to the "What exactly are we doing here?" talk. Technically, the fun in the closet wasn't any kind of cheating. So technically I wasn't a complete asshole, technically. Of course Ryan and Gretchen felt differently and neither of them spoke to me for some time. In fact that was a whole crowd lost to me. Maybe that's why I did it.

Eve and I decided we'd be boyfriend and girlfriend officially, meaning we wouldn't engage in oral sex with other people in closets. Eve's friend Bryna and I continued to debate, but in a much friendlier tone. In fact we'd become pretty much best friends. So the three of us hung out a-lot. Bryna was dating a couple of different guys and sometimes they'd hang out with us as well, especially Jeremy, a silly fun loving, highly obsessive kinda guy who was head over heals in love with Byrna.

"I'm wearing her underwear." he told me one morning. We were at a coffee shop and the girls had gone in pursuit of refills or scones.

I wasn't thrilled that he shared this with me, but I was curious. "How does that work. I mean, girl's panties don't really have room in them for the guy parts. Do you tuck?" I asked.

"No, dude. You flip 'em around backwards. The part that's mean to hold her ass hold's your cock and balls and the front fits between your cheeks like a thong."

"Oh. I see. I hope you keep these panties for good after you've warn 'em." He responded with a confused look and the girls came back.

We all had a good time hanging out and nobody seemed insecure or jealous of anyone else's relationship, which is to say neither Eve nor Jeremy seemed concerend that Bryna and I were getting closer and closer. She'd come over without Eve and we'd talk art, watch movies, go for walks. I can't deny that I was attracted to her. But I was also deeply enthralled with Eve. Our sex life was going great, at least from my point of view and we were having a great time. There wasn't room for an affair of any sort, much less the kind the Bryna and I would've had. We were too close for a small one to be sure.

And then things tapered off. Eve was done with school and working at a credit union. I seemed to see less and less of her, while continuing to see Bryna nearly every day. I invited her to come watch a movie with me.

"I don't think it would be over in time for me to catch the lightrail home." she answered.

"So. Just crash here. You can go home in the morning." Hell, why not? Her and Jeremy had slept at my place before. What was the big deal? The game began.

The thought of her coming over had me hot, too hot. I was not planning on being disloyal to Eve. I jerked off thinking about Bryna figuring I'd get it out of my system before she got there. I picturued her walking down the sidewalk towards me. Her full breasts in a tight t-shirt, her long hair down, falling around her shoulders. Sure, this was the perfect way not to end up rolling around with her.

She arrived and we started talking at each other a mile a minute, debating, joking, sharing our favorite artists, music, writers. We never got around to the movie. And then we went to bed. Just as it was fine for her to sleep over, it was surely fine for us to share a bed. I mean, come on, we were adults. We could handle it. We talked some more as our heads found the comfort of the pillows, and then eventually, she fell asleep. I couldn't sleep with this beautful girl who I felt more and more like I was in love with laying next to me. I was into sculpting at the time. I imagined myself remaking Bryna's face in clay as I watched her sleep.

"I need some clay. Why don't you get me some clay." I said out loud. She stood up on the bed. "Where are you going?"

"To get clay." And then she stood there, still asleep. I lowered her back down to bed and I started tracing the lines of her face with the tips of my fingers. This is how I passed the night, gently touching her beautiful face for hours. I would find out later that as I did this she was dreaming that she was flying with angels, the tips of their wings brushing against her face. I was exhausted and exhilerated when the sun rose at last. We were kissing already when Bryna woke up.

She kissed wildly. She bit my lips and sucked at them. Her lips were firm and full and I loved every second of it even though it left my lips feeling like they'd lost a fight. Her body felt right in my arms, but when we heard Sean coming down the hallway we jumped apart. We giggled and we went to breakfast with Jeremy.

It was just kissing. It wasn't like we'd had sex. The game continued.

I saw even less of Eve. I started to resent her. Why was I resisting Bryna if Eve had so little use for me. But I couldn't break it off. I had to get things back to the way they were. She took my virginity. That meant something yeah? And I did love her, even if we had increasingly less in common.

It was of course just a matter of time until Bryna missed that bus again, or did we even wait until after the last bus had run. Maybe we just tumbled into my room to make out. She stripped me of my clothes and then she trailed her long hair over my face, chest, stomach, thighs. She moved things along so slowly, perhaps because we were both unsure of how far we wanted to let this go, but it seems more likely that she was just a patient and skilled lover.

Things did of course cross that line. We went "all the way" as the expression goes. She was so thin and long while still so curvey. I felt like I was making love to a comic book character. She lay her head on my chest and I felt so conflicted. We fit together, perfectly. I had such a powerful connection with this girl, but I felt we were doomed. I believed that any relationship that started with betrayal was destined to fail. And we'd both betrayed Eve. She wasn't only my girlfriend, she was Eve's best friend.

"I love you." she whispered.

I turned and dialed the phone. "We have to call Eve."

She hopped out of bed and started dressing. I could see she was pissed. I set the phone back in it's cradle. "Where are you going."

"Don't worry about it."

"Please, stay. Let's talk."

"Fuck you." and she headed out the door. I followed, pulling on a pair of pants and a t-shirt.

"Bryna, the busses aren't running. The light rail will drop you in Rancho and then what?"

"It's not your problem."

"Bryna!" I shouted as I grabbed her shoulder. She turned and punched me hard in the chest.

"Don't touch me."

I went back to my apartment and dialed Eve's number again.

"Hello?" she was groggy.

"Um, Eve, I have to tell you something. I... I slept with Bryna." Silence.

After a long wait, I added, "I'm sorry."

"When did this happen?"

"Just now. Do you want me to come over and we can talk?"

"I don't know."

Surprisingly she didn't sound mad. I wondered if she'd been expecting it. It also occured to me that she may have wanted a way out. She had been avoiding for a while. Of course, being human, every cell in my body nowy pined for her. If she was trying to leave me I of course had to stop it from happening.

"Just a minute, there's someone on my other line." She interrupted my thoughts. It was Bryna. It had to be. Who else would be calling her so late. She came back on the line. "That's Bryna" she said, sounding exasperated. "I have to go pick her up."

I spent the night staring at my cieling. I'd screwed up. Saying 'I love you' back to Bryna would have felt wrong, but hurting her the way I had didn't seem any better. And now she was with Eve. I imagined them forming an "I Hate Keith" club.

After a night of no sleep and a long shift at Blockbuster Video I called Eve. We talked. She pointed out that she was the one who was cheated on, and yet she felt put in the position to have to do all the comforting.

"I'd like to be able to comfort you." I offered.

"Well you're not really in a place to be able to do that." It was clear that she'd not signed up for the I Hate Keith club. It was less clear what we were to each other now. I was determined to win her back. It was hard to do, as I continued to see very little of her. Bryna forgave me and we started hanging out. We had sex once more, now that I was officially free to do so. It was wonderful. She wore a white lace teddy, my first experience with such blatantly sexual lingerie, not counting the hours I'd spent fantasizing over my friend's sisters' Frederick's and Victoria Secrets catalogues as a teenager. I thought the experience was wonderful, but I continued to pursue Eve.

I came home to find a bag of clothes and tapes that I'd left at Bryna's place sitting in front of my door with a note telling me she was done knowing me. Again we made up, but I was told there would be no more sex.

Bryna then moved in to Eve's one bedroom apartment downtown. Now I would see more of Eve, since Bryna and I were still practically inseperable. Eve and I would end up in bed together from time to time but things remained ambiguous. I felt that I was being punished and that eventually the punishment would end. I'd wait it out.

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Eve

I got home from work and I wanted a cold beer and a few minutes of quiet. The beer was easy enough to manage but with two roommates in a one bedroom apartment the quiet wasn’t too likely. We’d let Sean move in a few weeks earlier and he was quite the social butterfly. I liked all the activity around our place at first, but right now dealing with the airhead girls he liked to bring around was not what I felt like doing.

There were two of them in the living room and I didn’t see the need to introduce myself or even to say hello. I plopped down and drank my beer, trying to pretend that I had my living room to myself.

“That’s Keith.” Sean nodded my way.

The girl’s said hi, I raised my bottle and kept drinking. I couldn’t help listen to their conversation. The tall skinny blonde girl was talking about art. ‘Oh, this should be good.’ I thought to myself.

She made a comment about poverty being beneficial to an artists output and she suggested that an artist work might suffer when they found success.

“How can you say something so fucking stupid.” I muttered, entering the conversation.

“Excuse me?” with one word she made it clear that she was not afraid of a fight.

“That’s stupid. A person expresses what they have to express. I’m sorry if you can’t get past your own biased point of view as a failure to appreciate what an artist expresses after he finds success.”

It was on. She countered, citing examples of painters and musicians who did great work before being discovered. I suggested that were lots of people who only had one great work in them who aren’t ever discovered. We went back and forth. This is not what Sean had in mind when he invited two good looking girls over.

Sean’s brother, Robert came by about thirty minutes into the great debate and invited Sean to coffee. Sean did everything he could to pry the blonde whose name was Bryna, away from our argument, but it was too late. We were hooked. Finally he gave in and invited me to come along too.

Robert was craftier than Sean at derailing Bryna and I, he simply turned everything I said into innuendo and flirted with me endlessly. “Warhol! Warhol drew shoe ads when he was desperate. As his success grew he had more to express than just ‘Help me, I need money.’” I was practically shouting.

“Oh honey, I’m desperate, and I can guarantee you success. Let me be your muse baby.”

“Shut up Robert. What about Matisse?” Eventually we did settle into normal conversation. The other girl, Eve was also tall, with thick, wiry red hair that she wore in well coiffed mess on top of her head. She was pretty and overtly flirting with me. I’d resisted the idea that assholes did better with girls, but I’d certainly started off as a jerk with these two, and now I seemed to be doing alright.

Sean’s plans for the afternoon probably didn’t involve me being an anti-social dick and getting all the attention. He was quick to finish his coffee and move on with his day, ending our little party.

The next day Eve was back at the house. She was wearing a close fitting white t-shirt, with a "Car Hope In Bondage" graphic, a see through white bell skirt, and underneath, white frilly rumba shorts. She was adorable. Sean was a promoter for a club and she had come by to see if I was going. I had burnt out pretty quickly on the club scene and planned on spending the evening at home reading. I expected some more flirting, but when Eve suggested that she would skip the dancing and hang out with me, I was caught a bit off guard. When she stradled me and started kissing me I was blown away.

And that was that. Eve was with me whenever I wasn't at work. A day or two later we sat together in her car, parked outside my apartment, talking.

"I'm not happy with the life I'm settling into. I don't believe in a god or an afterlife so I've got to do as much with this life as I can."

"So what do you want to do?" She asked cautiously, thinking she was being dumped.

"I don't know. I want to be a hobo or a monk but I can't choose which, so I end up in the middle, doing neither. I want to go out and experience everything I can experience or I want to find a quiet place to study and learn everything I can learn." I worried that I sounded neurotic or full of shit but I was sharing with her as fully and sincerely as I knew how. She kissed me and we went in the house to make out.

A night or two later I had a house full of friends after going to see some local bands play. Sleeping teenagers were piled throughout my living room. Eve and I went to the room in the back. The room wasn't my room. It belonged to which ever roommate needed it. I spent many nights sleeping in the hallway. Now, it was me who had a real live girl spending the night and the bedroom was all mine.

I had sex.

With all the build up it was over suprisingly fast and things didn't feel any different. I lay next to Eve afterwards, pondering what it meant and how it should feel.

"Is it okay with you if I go for a walk?" I asked .

"Sure, just be here with me when I wake up."

I went to the living room and kicked Ryan awake. Sean heard Ryan and I heading out and told us to bring a knife with us. We sat two blocks away, stabbing a tree and talking, not saying much, just talking. I did manage to tell him that I lost my virginity, in between our analyzing the quirks of our society.

Ryan and I walked back, and I crawled back into bed, as I'd promised. I left my clothes on, including my boots and trench coat as I lay on top of the covers stiff as a board. In the morning we had sex again and it lasted a little longer. The first time wasn't some magical experience. It was the beginning of lots of wonderful exciting exploration.

Later the day after I was at Ryan's dad's house watching Ryan's band rehearse, a band we started together. Gretchen was there and we ended up making out in the closet. A few hours after I'd lost my virginity, or what I had considered my official virginity, I was in a closet getting head from my ex-girlfriend. The plot thickens. Ryan and her had started dating and had just broken up a few days prior. I was being an asshole, to Gretchen who didn't know about Eve and to Ryan who did. I had no idea why I did it.

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Amber

Christian, Bill and I were drinking with Amber who I'd known since fourth grade. Shortly after my sweaty arm pit visit with her and Kim in Norco, Amber moved up to Sacramento. We hung out frequently and though I found her attractive we were just friends. I was intimidated by her as she seemed eternelly more hip and worldly than I'd ever be. Asshole parents can give you that advantage.

Amber's apartment was tiny; one room with a stove and sink in the closet and a bathroom that barely fit the toilet and shower. Chris and Bill were determined that I lose my virginity. The decided Amber would be the one. When enough alcohol had flowed they stepped outside, saying they needed a smoke, and then hopped in Bill's car and split, ditching me with no ride home.

I was surprised to find that Amber seemed willing. She asked me if I'd rub her back. She lay on her stomach, lifted her shirt and pointed out the lotion. I started rubbing. She asked me to rub lower. I rubbed lower and she asked me to rub lower still, until I ended up sitting on her back, and going any lower would mean her pants would start to come down.

I was good and drunk, and Amber was looking good. I wanted to do it, but I was sure I'd regret it. I felt my mind split. The sensible long term thinking part of my brain knew that it was on the roaps and needed a lucky shot to win. That's when I grabbed the cowboy hat that sat on Amber's night stand. I put it on my head. I then put one hand in the air and hooped, hollared and hopped about like I was riding a bucking bronco. I couldn't say no, but I could make Amber say no for me, and of course she did, throwing me to the floor.

"Can I have a pillow?" I asked. A pillow hit my head at high speed.

I didn't sleep well. Amber had enough asshole men in her life, I didn't like being another one. The sun came up and I kissed her on the forehead and made my way to the light rail stop, about ten blocks up. As I walked I realized I was still drunk. I started to feel very good about still having my virginity. I could only lose it once, and I was enjoying dragging the experience out.

I sat upside down on my light rail seat. A little black girl in a pretty pink dress smiled at me as I sang violent Femmes songs feeling strangely good about life.

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Mari

Mari was my pal. She was the wildest gal I’d ever known, and in fact wilder than most of us guys. She was a punk with the cropped multi colored hair and boots to prove it. We went to shows together or stomped around town late at night looking for ways to get in trouble. I would complain to her about my girl troubles, never thinking that she might not want to hear it. To me Mari was one of the guys.

“Why do always chase these buffy girls anyway?” She asked downing the last of her 40 ounces of malt liquor. We were sitting by the river pondering our love lives, maybe just pondering mine.

“What are you talking about? They’re not buffy.” I didn’t think they were buffy. They weren’t mall chicks? Just the fact that they’d talk to me at all proved that. I wasn’t exactly the big man on campus.

“They’re SO buffy. Stupid skinny, giggly bitches, all clothes and make up.”

“Well who would you suggest I pursue instead?” I really was clueless.

“My god you’re clueless.” As she said it, the clue hit at last. I realized just how inseparable we’d been since I’d moved downtown. But I couldn’t think of Mari that way. It’s not that she was masculine, she wasn’t, and neither was I actually. She just didn’t strike me as a girl. She tried to kiss me.

“I’m sorry Mari, I just, I don’t think of you that way. You’re one of my best friends, and I love you, but, you know, we’re just…”

“You’re an asshole.”

“What? I’m an asshole because I just want to be friends?”

“No, you’re an asshole because you’re an asshole.” She punched me on the shoulder hard and got up and left. I was caught off guard and I just let her go. She didn’t hang out with me for the next few days, which isn’t to say she wasn’t around. She was hanging around with Christian, or Ryan and not passing a single opportunity to hurl an insult my way.

“Lover’s spat, eh?” Christian asked.

“We’re just friends, if even that.” I told him.

“Yeah, okay.”

Had I been that obtuse? I had been spending nearly every waking second with her. How had everyone around us noticed that she liked me while I just assumed I had a great new buddy.

I finally got sick of her insults and headed to her house to work things out. Mari was assertive. We sat on the floor of her room, on top of the American flag that served as her bed. She seemed to think that she could change my mind if she could just get me to kiss her. She pushed her lips against mine again and again. She did have awfully soft lips, and her aggressiveness was sexy. But she was Mari.

I kissed her back and it was lovely, but I still knew that she was only my friend and nothing more, regardless of what we did on top of her American Flag. I didn’t know why, just that it was so. Part of it may have been that Mari was part of my scene. I was looking for new worlds. I was ready to move beyond my scene. I was bored with drinking and talking about art that never actually got done and being punk.

We were kissing hot and heavy now. Mari pulled down my zipper and slid her hand into my pants. She pushed me onto my back and gave me head on Old Glory. She was very good at it. I didn’t look at her. It’s not that she wasn’t attractive, but I didn’t want it to be her. Mabye I wanted it to be one of my buffy girls.

She curled up next to me and put her head on my chest. “I love you.”

I didn’t say it back. I did love her, but I knew that’s not what she was saying, not all of it.

“Get the fuck out of her you fucking asshole!” She yelled, punching and kicking me. She was crying.

“Mari, I’m sorry.” I told her as I blocked her attack and made for the door.

“Fuck You!”

I didn’t see Mari for a few more days. Days were longer back then. We ran into each other at shows and she’d call me an asshole and she’d tell other people that I was an asshole. Even when we started to hang around with each other again she’d make it clear that she still thought that I was an asshole, and things were never quite the same.

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Sam

Living on your own can sure change the way you look at your parents. I got along great with mom and dad now that I'd seen what it was like to support myself. I was tired of my bad roommates and I wanted to make a frest start. I was only 17 so I didn't feel too bad about moving back in with the folks for awhile.

I was isolated out in Rocklin, a suburb of Sacramento where my parents had built a house. My friends would come visit, including Gretchen, but we were just friends again and I had little chance of meeting new girls. I hung out in my parent's garage painting and lusting over the neighbor across the street. A young mom and housewife, she was perfect fantasy fare. I never got up the nerve to do anything more than say hello when I walked across the street to get the mail from cluster of mailboxes which sat in front of her house.

Christian and I signed the rental agreement on a one bedroom apartment in downtown Sacramento. We'd be moving in on my 18th birthday. Gretchen and I caught the bus to check out my new place. We peaked at it from outside and got some coffee around the corner. I could walk around the corner and get a cup of coffee. That ruled.

We walked my neighborhood and beyond. A light rain started and we stopped at a construction site for shelter. We found a working elevator to make out in as it went up and down the steel framework that would someday be a building. We were so close to going further as we rubbed our bodies together and let our hands wander beneath each others clothes but we were afraid someone would catch us and so the clothes remained on. It was dizzying and wonderful and then more coffee and more rain until finally we had to get on seperate busses toward home.

I was excited about this new life and I was excited at meeting girls who lived downtown or on distant planets as of yet unknown to me. I didn't call Gretchen for a while.

My friend Ryan and I went dancing. I met a girl and while I didn't get her number, I did find out she worked at a popcorn and candy store in Old Sacramento (the tourist section of downtown.) Eventually a visit to her work and still no phone number would let me know nothing was happening. For now though, the night was young and I was ready to meet more girls.

We wandered through a parking lot where we came across a VW Bug with three attractive young women inside. Amazingly we convinced them to stop and then to let us in their cars. Ally was adorable with very short brown hair and a long neck, but I set my sights on Sam. She had soft honey blonde corkscrew curls and she was feminine in every way. Once in the car the girls wantd to know where they were dropping us off.

"We're going wherever you're going." we shouted. Ryan was a strange one. He looked strange with bulging eyes, a rail thin face and body and a long mohawk. He acted even stranger. Ryan would smash the state by spewing nonsequiters and pointing out the obsurdity of everyday life. We were back out of the car before it even got out of the lot. I had two phone numbers in my pocket.

I ended up at a diner with Ally a week later. I talked about Sam.

"Oh, you wear white tube socks. That's cute." Ally observed.

I was sure she didn't mean cute. I was sure she meant 'What a dork.' These girls came from family's with money, more money than I was used to anyway, and I felt self concious about not being rich. The truth is my parents were fairly well off now, but I didn't feel like I could blend in with the upper middle class as well as I'd blended in with the poor. I'd grown up in very different circumstances. I liked to be able to blend in though. I wanted to be able to win the acceptance of everyone I met, weather I really wanted that acceptance or not. If I was not to be friends with a person that was fine, so long as it was my choice, on my terms.

I scrounged up some money and asked my mom to take me shopping as I was without a car. She insisted in chipping in a few dollars of her own to help me get some new duds.

With my cool new clothes I was ready to hang out with Sam. I called her up and we met for coffee. I walked her to her house where she lived with her family.

"I've got to practice my cello." she told me. "You don't have to go, but, you know, it'll be pretty boring."

"I'd love to see you play the cello." She showed me in. Nobody was home and she didn't seem weird at all about having me join her in her bedroom. There was only one chair, the one she'd sit on to play cello. She offered to grab somthing for me to sit on but I told her I'd be comfortable sitting on the bed. The bed was raised up on stilts with a desk underneath it. I sat up near the ceiling, looking down on this gorgeous seen of a beautiful girl playing a cello, which I decided then and there was the sexiest instrument in the world. I wasn't getting anywhere with Sam but I loved where I was. I'd escaped my day to day life, at least for a moment. I pulled out my notebook and tried to draw the image with as few lines as possible. I would continue playing with this drawing for the next few months.

I saw Sam and Ally again when I went to Ally's graduation. It was strange having my class graduating and I hadn't really gotten much done durring the year I'd skipped. That was the last I saw of Sam. I'd see Ally again.

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Mayumi and Gretchen Part 2

Freedom.
Dropping out of school and having our own place meant Christian and I had freedom to drink all the time, freedom to do drugs, freedom to have parties, freedom to sleep with whoever, whenever. So, we drank, we did drugs, we had parties. We didn't do much of the other though. I fantasized about calling Rosey up and having her come live with us. I decided I didn't need the intellectual stimualtiong of a bright girl like Gretchen. Someone who was nice, pretty and gave me lots of sex would do. I called Reno information and I failed to locate Rosey.

Christian had a good friend from School named Mayumi. She didn't seem like the type who should be hanging out with us. She was insanely pretty, got good grades in her honors classes and was probably on her way to a good career and a comfortable life. We were both madly in love with her, and neither of us had the guts to tell her we were interested, though I suspect Christian may have made a few drunken advances which were dismissed as drunken advances. I wonder how many beautiful girls are lonely as hell beacuse nobody has the nerve to ask them out. It might explain why they often end up dating jerks.

Roger came to visit one day when Mayumi was over. A summer storm broke out and we hopped into Roger's car to go lightning watching. Stopping at the Cable Access TV offices to borrow a camera we got some great footage, but mostly I watned Mayumi to be impressed that I would be trusted with and know how to operate such a big piece of equipment. Back to our condo, the lightning had let up but it was still raining. Raining and warm, a magical combination. We all jumped into the swimming pool. I went to sit in the sauna and Mayumi joined me. I'd like to think it was because I was a good friend, but it was probably more fear that led me to talk about how cool of a guy Christian was instead of trying to impress her myself now that we were alone, or maybe I was trying to impress her with what a good friend I was.

"I like Christian, but..." she confided in me, "he's too wild right now. I hope he settles down a bit, gets in school, gets his life on track."

"Yeah. I guess we're all pretty wild right now." I was feeling that yeah, this girl was too good for us screw ups.

"You have your videos though. That's a career. You keep doing that you'll probably end up with a good job."

Was she hitting on me? I wasn't sure. She took off and Christian and I got tanked as usual. We saw less and less of Mayumi as our lives got wilder and wilder. We were drinkin' pretty much everynight, smoking lots of weed and trying pretty much anything else put in front of us.

Christian was working at Denny's and a coworker of his invited us to a party. The guests were mostly big jock types. We didn't fit in to well until the beer bong came out. That we could drink all of them under the table despite being younger and smaller had them quite impressed. Christian hooked up with a girl name Shannon. She had a reputation for being really loose. I walked in on her and Chrisitan having sex in one of the bedrooms at the party. It might have been her bedroom. She was unphased by my opening the door. I closed it again and went back to drinking. Within ten minutes Christian and Shannon were back out hitting the beer bong.

The next night a big crowd of us went to Denny's to eat. I might have been flashing back to Junior High and the girl in my P.E. class when Shannon squeezed in between Chritian and I in the booth. Her thigh was pressed against me and I assumed I was welcome to feel it up. My hands stayed busy all through dinner sliding up and down the inside of her thigh. After dinner and a great number of drinks back at our place, Shannon went off on me in front of everybody.

"This little scumbag thinks he can just feel me up under the table whenever he wants." I felt like a little scumbag as she want on and on. I just kept drinking and pretended not to care. She stormed out.

Christian followed but stopped first to let me know his loyalty was still with me but he wanted to have sex a few more times before letting her go.

"Dude, it's my fault. You don't have to break up with her."

"No man, I want to anyway. She's trash. I'll see you later, I'm going over to her house."

Chris did break up with Shannon a few days later. He wanted a "nice" girl. Someone like Gretchen he often said. He encouraged me to get back together with her.

I'd gotten a great job as a video swithcer operator and I didn't have to work much to make ends meet. I called Gretchen up. Predictably I'd begun to miss her again. I'd heard from some friends that she had been fooling around with Roger and this drove me nuts. They weren't an item, she explained to me. She was just exploring her sexuality. She'd given him head in the back of his car.

"I can't stand that you've gone further with someone else than we ever went." I told her. It was a ridiculous reason to get together again but it served it's purpose. We met at Roger's house of all places. His parent's were never around. We made out in Roger's room in the afternoon, the curtains pulled the door locked and she gave me head. He teeth kept getting into the act which hurt, but I was surprised to find I didn't mind and maybe even liked the sensation.

She wrote about the experience in her diary. I found this out after her parents read the diary. The shit hit the fan for awhile. I stayed away as her parents went crazy. She'd sneak phone calls to me late at night and let me know what was going on. She was grounded, counselling was discused but eventually things got almost back to normal.

It's very odd to face a man who knows you've done such things with his daughter, but it wasn't long before Gretchen and I were together again as a couple and with her living at home, I of course had to work to stay in good with her parents. Amazingly enough her mother continued to be fond of me.

They dropped her off at my place so we could go see a movie. They checked the times and would pick her up 15 minutes after the movie let out. They'd apparently made it clear to her that they could show up at the theatre, so we'd better really be going to the film. We walked to the theater enjoying a wonderful summer day and I loved everything about this girl as we held hands and then put are arms around each other, squeezing together. We just couldn't get close enough.

The movie was Sex, Lies and Video Tape. It was sexy and smart and the date felt very adult, even more so as we grabbed a couple of cups of coffee and walked back to my place, as in; not my parent's place. Now if only her parents weren't on their way to get her. The movie was shorter than her folks had been told so we did have a few minutes to spare and we put them to good use making out on my floor, (I didn't even have a bed). In those few minutes we managed to slide our hands down each others pants and to get way too hot and heavy to be happy about hearing the van's horn honking. Her parents were waiting in the parking lot behind my place. As we stepped through the back gate I was sure that we'd left some sign of what we'd been up. I said hello.

"We were waiting out front." I lied. Her dad's face told me that he was to the point of just assuming I was fucking his daughter. It was sad to see such a defeated look and to know that I had hit him where it hurt. Her mom was just thrilled that we were dating again.

Gretchen and I had a few more make out sessions. She was okay with whatever I was into. We could be boyfriend and girlfriend, or just friends who fooled around. It drove me crazy not knowing what she wanted. The thought that she didn't want anything in particular and really was content with whatever was handed to her was even more maddening. I felt it was giving me the irresistable opportunity to be a bad person. I wanted so badly not to be a creep, or not to be a creep anymore. If she would just tell me what she wanted.

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Gretchen Part One

Cory was very tall and very thin, almost too tall, almost too thin. She had long, straight brown hair. I wanted her to be my girlfriend and Gretchen, her best friend was willing to assist me in wooing her. Gretchen gave me advice, reported Cory's schedule to me so that I could arrange to accidentaly run into her. Most of all Gretchen provided me with encouragement. It would seem that with her help I had sparked some interest and Cory was coming aroung. I decided to abandon the pursuit however when I realized how incredibly cute, sweet and delightfully intelligent my helper was.

"Gretchen, I appreciate all your help, but I don't think I'm really intersted in Cory any more." I told her durring our lunch break strategy meeting.

"What?! She's been talking about you, I totally think she likes you." Gretchen had so much energy for our little project, I was sure that she liked me.

"Look, Gretchen, I've been spending a-lot of time with you and I've really enjoyed it. I would rather go out with you. Would you be my girlfriend?"

Gretchen was caught completely off guard. She stared at me, eyes wide, smile even wider. She was bright and that she found me bright as well allowed me to be exceptionaly confident and relaxed with her. I leaned over and kissed her. One soft, sweet kiss.

At last, the perfect girlfriend, my first love. We hung out all the time. Our friend groups meshed together on trips to the thrift store, or gatherings to watch old movies. And of course we found plenty of time to be alone. Her mother would let us hang out in her room as long as we left the door open. This was no hinderence as we could easily hear her mom climbing the stairs clumsy from her day of drinking, even as we were distracted by long make out sessions.

I loved that making out with Gretchen felt two sided. She kissed as well as being kissed and she was as likely to push boundaries as I was, never leaving me feeling like the slimey guy always trying to get a little more. We were rubbing and grinding against each other. We fantasized about the day when we'd have our own place where we could makeout without parents or siblings to worry about.

Her mom was fond of me, almost too fond of me. She'd make insulting comments about her daughter and then she'd go on and on about how unique and talented I was. It was incredibly awkward. The more she drank the worse it got, and unfortunately she drank plenty. I liked the woman, she was bright and open minded, if only she'd drop the idea that her daughter had found the perfect guy and was doomed to blow it with him.

A friend of ours, Monique, had a Christmas party at her house. Monique's mom was awesome. She helped Monique put together a great spread, cookies, cakes, all kinds of chips and dips, everything elegently displayed. We all dressed the part. Gretchen wore a black velvet dress and she was absolutley lovely. Monique's mom said hello and chatted with us for awhile and then she went to her room and left us alone. Gretchen and I shared a few kisses in the dark family room away from the rest of the party. I was falling harder and harder.

Things went well with Gretchen for months. Maybe I didn't know what to do without drama. I started to lose interest, or to crave change. Who know what I was thinking. My emotions and my life were in constant flux. At any rate, I broke up with her. I regreted it, almost immediately. She was so cool, so smart, so pretty, what the hell was I thinking. I let myself be tortured through a weekend and then, after seeing her at school, I gave her a call Monday night. The phone was my most valuable tool when it came to winning, or winning back the affections of the farer sex. I had the gift of gab, and it worked.

Gretchen took me back easily, which I though was what I wanted but it started to bug me that Gretchen went along with me so easily all the time. She was okay with going further when we made out, she was okay with waiting. She rarely chose the movie we'd see or even questioned my choices. I felt like maybe her mom's uncomfortable fondness for me was affecting her. I broke up with her once more. This time I spent a week waiting to stop pining for her.

It didn't stop. I decided that I would remember how much I liked her durring the week we had apart. If I felt like breaking up with her again, I'd wait, and trust that it would past. I really liked this girl and I finally had it good, I didn't want to be the asshole boyfriend. I'd always hated the asshole boyfriends of the world.

Of course, when she took me back, again, it frustrated me. Her trying to please me was really pissing me off, but I stuck to my resolution and I let myself get over it.

I was working hard on getting my parent to let me move out. My friend Christian had just moved into a condo and welcomed me as a roommate. My folks swore they'd never agree to let me skip my Senior year of school and move out on my own but I was determined. Gretchen and I constructed elaborate fantasies about what we'd do when we had our own place; we'd cook dinner together, drink wine, sit outside under the stars, and fall asleep in each others arms. Not having to go our seperate ways every time things were going wonderfully sounded so nice.

The Cure's new album was on the way, and we walked to the record store together to pick up "Fascination Street" the advance twelve inch single that had been issued. We walked home holding hands and stopping to kiss every few minutes. When we finally reached Gretchen's house her parents were out. We put the record on, set it to repeat and made out in the dark on the stairs. It was wonderful.

After a big fight with my dad, ending with me putting a TV through the wall I was finally permitted to move in with Christian, right after I'd broken up with Gretchen yet again.

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Erin and Jesus

This story was previous published on my "Mostly True" blog.

Erin had long blond hair, great shoulders and real, live, actual breasts. She was smart, cool, and for some reason she liked me. I got up the nerve to sit with her durring lunch a couple of days in a row, and then I started walking her to her class after lunch. The long awkward period of saying goodbye outside of her classroom would leave me late for my own class. Finally, one Friday, I swallowed hard, wiped the sweat from my palms and aked her if I could give her a kiss. She said "Yes." I kissed her. She kissed me. It was great. Then she asked me if I'd spend the night with her.

Erin invited me to a "Lock In." A "Lock In" is this goofy church youth-group thing. Anyone familliar with youth-groups know just how "Wacky" and "Zany" they can be. So the "Lock In" (I just have to quote it) consisted of the youth group kids and their invited guests staying up all night, that's right, ALL NIGHT, in this cafeteria type room. You were "locked in" meaning once there you couldn't leave, you were in for the long hall, one for all and all for one, ALL NIGHT! ALL DAMN NIGHT! Once you commited there was no wimping out. There was no leaving. THE DOORS WERE LOCKED! There just aint no arguing with that.

The night started with silly games to break the ice. I'm pretty shy so these were hard for me but I met some nice people. One game involved the first kid chosen laying on their back, and then the next kid would lay, also face up, with their head resting on the first kid's stomach. The third kid's head rested on the second kids stomach, etc. making a chain that wound around the room. Than the first kid had to say "Ha." The next kid said "Ha Ha." Each consecutive kid added a "Ha." The idea was to see how far around the room you could get before everyone cracked up. This seemed pretty dumb to me, but when Erin lay her head up on my belly and I reached down and ran my fingers through her hair, well, I was willing to keep saying "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha" all night, All Damn Night.

We played some weird game of tag with all the lights off. All the games seemed to invite physical contact and even some groping which could easily be passed off as accidental. I guess the Christians need to compete with MTV somehow.

Eventually things got serious! The leader of the group was this clean cut guy who was real into fun... and sincerity. He had this way of calling you "Man" with so much empathy in his voice. When he called you "Man" you really knew he meant it... man. I don't remember his name but I bet it was Ron.

Ron sat us all down to talk about gods love or some such zaniness. He passed out postcards and little pencils and invited us all to write down any questions we might have had, but were afraid to ask. The questions would then be answered, the asker remaining anonymous. So I wrote some question regarding my problem with faith. Faith is dangerous, allows nazism, etc and is also what keeps people pretty much inheriting their folks' religion. I don't remember how I worded it, but I'd come to a decision that I'd only believe things if they were supported by compelling scientific evidence, and even then I'd seperate theory from law. No room for faith. Okay, enough of that, you get the point.

Ron starts reading the questions. Ron was pretty sure that pets would be in heaven, man. He had a dog that really touched his life, man. and it was obvious that god was present in that dog, so he was sure that this dog would be in heaven, in one form another, man. Nobody asked if Beef Cows would be in heaven. I hoped so because I didn't want to have to eat Ron's Dog, regardless of how much of God's love was in it, man.

My card came up and as Ron read my question I felt proud to have written it. He then laughed it off and gave some bullshit answer about god living in all of our hearts or something. WHAT?!?! I raised my hand. I pointed out that he didn't really answer the question or even address it. I restated the question differently, pointing out that faith will keep the Muslim from considering Christianity, etc., That this creates a breeding war amongst the various brands of faithfull around the world. He fluffed me off again and so started a little friendly debate. He didn't like the debate, which I can honestly say I tried to keep polite, I mean hell I was a kid talking to an adult authority figure and I was sober, so I wasn't that bad. He put all the cards away and suggested that we play more games. I thought he might suggest Spin The Bottle to recover from this one.

I was waiting for throngs of kids to flock to me, amazed by my amazing intellect and audacity. Instead, I had become pariah. Nobody would come near me. And seeing this, Ron didn't do anything to discourage it. Like he wanted to peer pressure me into being a Christian, or maybe he was just glad that the good little christians were staying away from my Satan loving ass. Worst of all Erin was staying away. She was obviously embarassed to have brought me.

After enduring a humilliating hour of being avoided like a leper I snuck into the office and used the phone to call my dad. Dad's religious beliefs were still a mystery to me though I had observed that my own years of being "born again" seemed to have been more tolerated than actively encouraged by Dad. He answered the phone, sounding sleepy and I asked him to come get me. He reminded me that I was at a "Lock In" and that they wouldn't let me go. I had explained this him very carefully and precisely when seeking permission to attend. I assured him that they'd be happy to let me go.

My dad pulls up about ten minute later. As I walk to the doors one of the faithfull narks me off.

"Hey that kid's leaving."

Ron calls out "What are you doing?"

"Leaving, man." I answer unlocking the door and walking through it.

Hopping in my dad's car, I looked back at all the kids now gathered at the door and glaring at me through the glass with looks of hatred. I'd fucked up the "Lock In." I'd broken the sacred rule and in doing so had blown the titillating illusion of being locked in. It turns out anyone choosing to stay all night was indeed choosing to do so.

My dad put his hand on the back of my neck and I guess that he's proud of me, proud that I'm not with the sheep. We rode home in silence. Erin never spoke to me again.

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Tanya

Roger was dating Tanya. She seemed too smart for him, but her smarts were corrupted by her thinking she was smarter than she actually was. Tanya was goofy, always trying too hard to be hip.

Tanya was very pretty. Though she was much heavier than the girl's that I generally found attractive but she was large in all the write ways. She seemed to fill out her skin just right. Nowhere did she seem overly soft and she knew how to dress for her size, unlike many larger girls and guys that followed the trends perpetuated by anorexic models.

Tanya had gotten into some kind of trouble in Idaho and so her parent's shipped her off to live with her Uncle in Sacramento. She met Roger at school and they hooked up pretty quick. I wasn't sure how her Uncle was to keep her out of trouble, he was never around and so we had run of the house. Sitting in the hot tub with Tanya and Roger I started to wonder if her foot constantly brushing against me was really an accident. It soon became clear it was not.

I decided I'd had enough of the tub and tanya walked me to her room to get my clothes.
Once we reached the hallway I grabbed her and kissed her. Her weight, and overly strong desire for acceptance made me more bold than normal, but she didn't kiss like someone with low self esteem. She grabbed and Kissed me back hard and confidently. She was an amazing kisser with soft lips and smooth skin.

It wasn't that she was with Roger that dicouraged me from persuing more with Tanya. It was her weight. I did not want to date an overweight girl, even one as well put together as she. I was discovering that I, like most of the population, had serious hang ups concering size.

"What are we going to do?" she asked after we'd been kissing for a few minutes.

"You'd better stay with Roger. He's my best friend and he realy likes you." I fed her the line, and then I decided to get a bit more of a kiss, for the road. "Let's have one last kiss, and then let's not tell Roger about this." She kissed me again, and pressed her body against mine, pushing her hips into me. She was hot as could be.

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Nancy

Transfering out of continuation school meant going to Oakmont, the only school left that I hadn't attended. It meant my parents had to drive me to and from every day, but when my dad saw first hand the 'kids' I'd been going to school with at Adalante he knew I didn't belong there, at least not yet.

I made friends fairly quickly at Oakmont. I saw a kid with a mohawk, introduced myself and ended up sitting at the punk table in the cafeteria. Nancy was the new kid at the table a month later. She was gorgeous and I didn't imagine for a second that I had a chance with her. She was tall with great curves and long blonde hair. She was wearing tights and a plaid skirt with a white men's dress shirt. I loved a girl in tights. When she sat next to me I struggled to play it cool though I was twitterpated instantly. That's when my friend Suzan, who had brought Nancy to the table had a brite idea.

"Hey Keith, Nancy doesn't have anyone to go to the dance with. Why don't you take her?" Suzan said as if Nancy wasn't sitting between us.

"Uh, um, I... well..." I stammered.

"I'll say yes." Nancy relieved me from having to respond. Wow. Of course, I was way too cool to go to a school dance.

"I'm not going, but I'd love to go see a movie with you." I was thinking quicker than usual and the next Friday Nancy was at my house having dinner. My mom decided to let Nancy and I sit at the kitchen bar while my dad, brother and her were at the table. When I felt Nancy's foot slide up my calf I jumped.

"What's the matter." my mom hollared from the table.

"Nothing. I just bit my lip." I looked at Nancy in shock. She didn't seem like a footsies on first date kind of girl. "I thought there was a dog in here." I told her stupidly. She laughed and continued to run her foot along the back of my leg. I was feeling about as happy as I'd ever felt.

We got to the movie and settled into our seats. I took her hand. She leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Friends right?"

Friends?!? I had lots of friends, none of whom had ever played footsies with me. "What do you mean?" I asked, crushed.

She confirmed what didn't really need confirming. "You and me. We're just friends right?"

Was she asking? I couldn't just let it go. "I hope not. I mean, I'd like to be more."

"Maybe down the road." and she put her head on my shoulder. She wanted to be my fag hag! I excused myself to go to the lobby. I looked at the pop corn for a good twenty minutes before going back to my seat and trying to adopt a posture that would discourage Nancy from touching me again. My mom picked us up and I was quiet on the ride to Nancy's house. My mom knew something was wrong and she was smart enough to leave me alone on the way home. I went into my room and had a good cry. I felt like an idiot.

Unfortunately I was hooked. I hung out with Nancy every chance I got. She was at my house constantly and I was a regular at her place. Her weird Mormon family accepted me. Her brothers were all handsome, healthy, blonde and so polite it was creepy. I spent Christmas Eve with them and they let me select a movie to watch. I loved Crazy Moon staring Kiefer Sutherland. As Kiefer developed his many photos of dog poop they decided I was 'interesting'. They were frighteningly nice to me. It crossed my mind that they might've sent Nancy out to find a convert for their religion, but they never preached to me. After the movie nancy taught me how to play cassette tapes backwards in search of satanic messages. Somehow, though it all I stayed enamored of her and she always kept the hope alive that we might be a couple eventually.

I was rescued from myself when Nancy parent's moved her to a private school. Maybe it was punishment for failing to save my soul. I kept in touch with her by phone for a few months but without seeing her the spell was eventually broken.


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Donna

Donna was a bad girl. She was in continuation school. She had sex. She smoked weed, drank and rumor had it she was fond of crank. She was being raised by her grandmother who never seemed to be home so her house was a cool place to hang out and smoke out.

Roger and I were getting stoned with Donna and I was admiring her skinny frame and short punky hair. She wore short skirts and tight heavy metal t-shirts and I found her very sexy. Allowing myself not to think about Doug, her older and bigger boyfriend I encouraged Donna to give us a little dance and maybe to model some of the sexy undergarment strewn about her room. She flashed a little panty at us and took off her shirt. We looked on wide eyed and then she sent us home. I got a call from her that night.

"Keith, I have to tell Doug about today." she told me.

"WHAT! Why? We didn't do anything, you were just dancing. It was nothing. You don't have to tell Doug. He'll just freak out."

"He'll know I'm keeping something. I have to tell him."

I was scared shitless for a few days and then I ran into Doug at the gas station/convenience store where I went to play Super Mario Brothers.

"I hear Donna gave you guys a little dance." Doug greeted me with it.

"What? Oh, no, it was nothing. She was changing, and she told us not to look..."

"Shut up Jensen. She told me you guys encouraged her to take off her clothes."

"Uh, look Doug, nothing happened. We were all high and she is a pretty girl, but I didn't..."

"Just stay the fuck away from her, asshole." and with this he walked away. The ultimate insult. I was just a gnat, not even worth the effort to swat.

Donna and I didn't talk much, until I started to notice she was looking really bad. She'd gotten skinnier and paler. I approached her at lunch. "Hey, Donna, what's up? You don't look to good."

She bullshitted me for a while and then I went to her best friend Rachel. "Rachel what's up with Donna.

"She's pregnant, and she's doing shitloads of crank. I think she's trying to kill the baby."

"Oh shit. Look Rachel, we have to do something, right away. This isn't something we can fuck around with or she's gonna end up dead." Rachel agreed and we decided that we'd go to the principal who was a really great guy. We had a conference with him and let him know what was happening with Donna. Then I waited to be labelled a nark and to have my ass kicked.

Donna called that night. "Keith, thanks." I was surprised and relieved.

"Does Doug know you're pregnant?"

"No."

"What are you going to do?"

"I've done so much speed, I'm sure the baby's all fucked up. I need to get an abortion."

I didn't know if I was pro-life or pro-choice but I knew I didn't like the idea of abortions at all. But she was right. She was so underweight and messed up, it seemed unlikely she'd have a healthy baby. I called my friend Jim, made him promise to keep his mouth shut about it and we drove Donna to the clinic and back home after.

Donna started to look like herself again. She asked me to be her boyfriend. I told her no. She was a mess and she still had Doug. She was pissed at me for a while but she got over it.

When summer came we talked on the phone regularly and we became friends, until one conversation put an end to it. "I gotta diet, Doug says I've got a fat ass." she was telling me.

"Why would he say that?" I asked, though I didn't expect to hear the correct answer of 'Because he's an asshole.'

"Because I do."

"Donna, you don't have a fat ass. You have a cute little ass."

"What the fuck." a voice that was not Donna's boomed. "Why are you telling my wife she's got a cute ass."

I could've explained that it was with in context. I could have explained that I was like one of her girlfriends. Instead I said, "Why are you listening in on her phone calls?"

"That's it, I'm kicking your ass."

I wasn't too worried about Doug. I never ran into him anymore. I'd started a cable access show and spent most of my time taping or editing bands. I hardly ever hung out at the gas station any more, I didn't need to; we had a Nintendo Entertainment System at home with Super Mario Brothers.

I didn't talk to Donna for the rest of that summer. The continuation school I'd been attending was for 9th and 10th grade students only. I tranfered to Adalante Continuation School for my Junior year. My class mates all looked like adults. Big, hairy, tattooed, adults. One of these big, hairy guys was Doug. He and Donna were married now. What could be more romantic than attending High School with your wife? They hardly seemed to notice me and I assumed things had blown over.

I was listening to Sigue Sigue Sputnik on my headphones and waiting for some friends when a kid I didn't know approached. "You Jensen?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, Doug wants to talk to you in the parking lot."

I figured there was no use avoiding the confrontation, and who knows, he'd been pretty easy on me last time, maybe this would be the same. It was a bad sign that he had a bunch of big guys around him, multiplying his testosterone. "What's up Doug."

"I thought you might want to tell my wife she had a nice ass again, faggot."

"If I'm a faggot than what's the problem? Its not like I'd be after her ass?" Why oh why couldn't I keep my mouth shut?

One of his caveman friends stepped forward and clocked me in the face. It took my by complete surprise and he hit me hard enough to spin me around. I continued the momentum and walked quickly away. The crowd of guys laughed. Donna had smiled though the whole affair. I started to wonder if she'd set me up on the phone.

I was so pissed. I wanted to go back and yell 'Who took your fucking wife to get an abortion when you knocked her up and didn't seem to notice? Who kept her alive when she was trying to kill herself with speed? I've got all right in the world to tell her she has a nice ass. And ass she was perfectly willing to share with me instead of you.' I got a ride home instead so I could avoid another run in with Doug or any of his gorrillas.

That night I heard a knock on the front door of my parents home. I looked through the window and saw someone I recognized from school. "What do you want." I asked without opening the door.

"Come out here. We want to talk to you." I headed up stairs to tell my dad what was going on and I heard their car screach off. The next day a thug named Thai made it clear he'd been in the car. "Where were you going last night? To grab a gun?" he asked smirking.

"Why don't you come back tonight and find out I asked him.

I transfered out of Adalante and back to the regular high school. My troubles with Doug and Donna were done.

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Rosey

Illustrations by Marcus, Grumblebee.com
Continuation school was where you were sent when you were just too much for the regular school to handle. I was getting the hang of fitting in to new environments. When I was sent there durring the final months of 9th grade I certainly stood out among the metal heads and stoners who were my fellow students. By halfway through 10th grade we'd found a common ground in punk rock, weed smoking and besides a few other goth, punk, industrial type kids landed there after me.

I had friends but I wasn't doing too well with the ladies. Rosey transfered in and I didn't take much notice at first, then she asked me to be her pimp.

"You seem to have plenty of friends. I'll fuck them for $100 bucks each. You get half and you can have all the freebies you want." she offered matter of factly.

I told my friend Jim about this and he said if I didn't take her up on her offer he would. He also made it clear that if I did take her up on the offer he'd be her first customer. I looked at Rosey and realized that she had a real Chaka Kahn kind of sexyness. She was short but she had great curves. Her dark skin and naturally big hair all worked together. I decided that I wouldn't be her pimp but I offered to be her boyfriend. She accepted.

Rosey told she'd been sent to live with her aunt when she'd been caught whorin' in Reno where her mom lived. She assured me her whorin' days were solidly in the past.

Rosey and I double dated with Roger and Tanya and afterwards we all ended up in Tanya's room at her Uncle's house. Tanya and Roger were making out, and Rosey and I followed their example. I was sitting on Tanya's bed when Rosey straddled me. Her tongue danced in my mouth, she bit and sucked on my lips and then my neck and she was grinding against me. I had never been with a girl like this, and I was more turned on than I'd ever been.

We had a few more of these make out sessions and I was dying to have sex with her, but I had promised myself when I decided I wasn't a Christian that I wouldn't have sex until I had figured out what beliefs I did hold. One couldn't go about with no moral code at!

Adam was a hyper kid who was hip in the brattiest way. He was the new Beastie Boys kind of cool. That is to say he was totally into "alt" culture but he saw no need to be the serious tortured poet. The party it seemed had room for more than just jocks and rockers. I liked Adam though I found him perplexing in his combination of intelligence and shallowness. When Rosey proudley wore her purple, tiger striped spandex pants on the last day of school he had a field day.

"Look at this." He said to me as if she wasn't right there in front of him. "You want this for a girlfriend. Look at these fucking pants."

I was embarassed. I didn't deck Adam like a should have, maybe because the pants were too much. I also knew that Rosey and I had little in common outside of liking to make out. Rosey told Adam to shut the fuck up and took my hand. It was the last day of school, I figure, I can deal with this later.

Over summer vacation I didn't manage to see Rosey much. I'd get overwhelmingly horny and I'd call her. I'd ask her if she'd meet me at Folsom lake and have sex with me. Just saying it out loud was tittilating. She said no, not this instant but she left it open that we could meet somewhere, some time and have sex. That's what I was looking for; masterbation fodder. I wouldn't call her until I was again crawling out of my skin horny.

When I moved into a condo with my friend Christian less than two years later I fantasized about having Rosey come live with me. I'd pay the bills and she could stay free and have lots of sex with me. I heard she had moved back to Reno and I called information trying to get back in touch with her but I never succeeded.

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Cindy (my cousin)

Illustrations by Marcus, Grumblebee.com
My trip to New York was wasted on me. I was sullen and moody. The stereotypical teenager. My parents wouldn't take me to CBGBs and it was horribly hot and humid. Things got better when we visited my grandparents in the beautiful Pokono mountains. There I met Cindy.

We hit it off right away and spent hours in my grandparent's guest room turning each other on to music. I was into The Doors, The Violent Femmes, David Bowie. Cindy was real into The Byrds and The Guess Who. I was sure that I was in love with her and I worked on calculating just how close or distant a cousin she was. That she lived on the other side of the country and loved Jesus were drawbacks as well, and so I thought of her for fondly for years to come but I never made an effort to get in touch. We haven't seen each other since.

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Kim

Illustrations by Marcus, Grumblebee.com
I had considered wether or not Kim, the best friend, would make a good girlfriend. I decided against it. For one, she was very short and she dressed too plain. She had no flash. If I went out with her she'd be the first person who was actually a part of the clique of kids that I was trying to fit in with, but she was not very high up in the ranks and I liked her too much to let her be a rung on the ladder.

After the move to Sacramento, where I had the worse time making friends at all much less finding a girlfriend, I decided that I was in love with Kim, and that I had blown it by letting myself be affected by her status within the group and her height.

I survived day to day only by convincing myself that I'd move back to Corona, soon. I'd live at Jeremy's house. His mom would let me. I'd get it right. I'd make Kim my girlfriend. On my first visit back I went to see Kim and Amber, who I'd known since fourth grade. Amber seemed weird, looking in the mirror every couple of minutes. Kim was great. She'd really blossomed. She was still short but she was dressed really cool. She played the Violent Femmes for me and they instantly became my favorite band. Unfortunately, I was a mess. Maybe it was a puberty thing, or maybe I was just super nervous but I was sweati