Writing Letters and Going Home

Corona sucked. My hometown was no longer my home. I felt lucky to have escaped it once and anxious to escape it again. I was working as a plumber, living on my brother Erick's couch and writing Bryna every day. In the beginning I was actually suggesting she join me in Corona. I dropped that idea as things got worse. The work, the rednecks and the fact that I had no connections for any kind of work outside of construction finally got to be enough.

I was heading to see Bryna in Yosemite and then on to Sacramento I decided. My mom drove me to the airport and I caught a plane to Sacramento. I grabbed a rental car in the airport and drove up the hill by myself. It was a gorgeous drive and traversing the windy montain road in the black of night felt perfectly dramatic. I stayed the night with Bryna at the lodge and the next day, her day off we took a day trip to Santa Cruz. It felt great to be driving with her at my side once again.

We sat on the beach and watched the sun creep toward the horizon. A naked couple went running past us into the water. We spotted their twin piles of clothes and shared a laugh. We had a room for the night and in the morning we made our way back to the lodge. We didn't make it official, there were no words or agreements, but I knew we were back. I kissed her goodbye and headed back to Sacramento feeling great.

I'd arranged a job for myself before I'd even headed back, and I had a couple more in no time. I went from a friends couch, to my own room in another friends apartment, and eventually I'd end up making a deal with an old employer to rent his five bedroom victorian for me, bryna and too many of our friends.

Paul and a friend of his from Germany had made it to California and we all met in Yosemite. We drank and swam and there was coupling every wich way, resulting in a couple of photos that certain parties would love to see destroyed (not a chance). Byrna and I were brough closer by having such a great time with our mutual friends and I told her about the victorian. She would have her own room next to mine, with an attached sun room that she could use as a studio. I could see her warming up to the idea.

Back at home, I'd begun hanging out with my old friend Ally. We'd both come a long way since she teased me about my tube socks. I was now proud of my tube socks and of my poverty in general. I loved the scene that I'd become part of, a vibrant, eventful scene created from scratch with little need for money. Just as long as we could scrape together enough for a few bottles and maybe some gas if we get bored with the usual surroundings.

Ally was excited by this group of people and she and I became inseperable. I was equally impressed by Ally. She was beautiful, smart, well spoken. She was looking for a passionate, fulfilling existence and open to finding one. We had a great time drinking wine, trading stories and going to shows.

I told her about Bryna immediately, and then, having been up front I didn't think twice about spending so much time with her. I crashed at her house one night after having too much wine. In the morning we drank coffee and a terribly odd eleven year old let himself into her house. "Hey sex-fiends, you done humpin?" he asked, by way of introduction.

"What the hell. Get the hell out of here." I stood.

"Come on man, hump her some more." I chased him away.

"What the fuck is wrong with that kid?"

"He's harmless, but definitely a strange one." Ally seemed unphased.

"Well see how harmless he is when he gets a bit bigger." the kid had really freaked me out. It put Ally and I's freindship in a weird lite. I realized that I had just crashed at her house. Sure, it didn't mean anything, and it had been fully platonic, but it felt an awful lot like the games Bryna and I played when I was dating Eve. Was Ally hoping for such an 'accidental' kiss.

I finished my coffee and headed out. As I climbed in my bus the little brat reappeared. "Did ya fuck her?"

A bar of soap sat on the floor just inside my bus. I grabbed it and chucked it hard at the kid, hitting him in the chest. "Wash you're ass kid." was the best I could do on such short notice.

A few nights later Ally and I sat in the dark still empty victorian house, on beautiful hardwood floors. Power hadn't been turned on yet, so we ate our take out food by candlelight. The only furniture in the place was my matress in the middle of the largest bedroom and we ended up on the matress making out. I stopped short of having sex with her. What the hell was I doing? I was betraying Bryna and myself, playing the 'Well, we didn't officialy put it in words yet. There was no agreement made, no signing on the dotted line.' I stopped myself and I told Ally I needed to go to sleep.

Bryna arrived a few days later. We set up house, confessed our sins and we began the long process of learning how a couple works. Over time we would learn rules that our parents could have used; no sarcasm, no play fighting, no yelling and no stupid temper tantrums. Punching a wall, or breaking something was no way to act. I worked hard at learning to control my anger or to not get so angry. We were doing much better than we had on our road trip, though it was of course a slow process and an ongoing effort.

We went to a show, still glowing the way lovers do when reunited. Ally was there and I introduced her to Bryna. I never saw her again. It didn't occur to me until years later how much she'd been hurt. I behaved with Ally exactly as I'd behaved with Bryna when were reluctantly falling in love, and while I thought that Ally might have liked me, might have had a crush on me, what Bryna and I had was so much more than a crush. We were younger. We played the game of being friends. Ally was older, wiser and knew better than to play that game. I'd lead her on, unintentionally and I hurt her.

I was looking forward to moving out of the phase of life that is an endless cycle of confusion and heart break. It made for some amazing memories and terrible poetry but I would now dedicate myself to the constructive potential that I saw with Bryna. We became a family together. Bryna, my best friend, my adventuring partner and my lover.

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This may be it. I don't know. I'm going to work now on rewriting and cleaning up the whole thing, and I'll see how it feels, this ending. I don't think endings are my strong point. There might be a a good story that illustrates where we got to and where we're heading as a couple. I bet there is, and with a little distance from this I'll find it.

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