Monica's return

Monica arrived home to a house full of Sun Flowers. I told her she was of course welcome to stay with me for as long as she needed. I hoped she'd stay forever. We got to talking, to catching up.

She had gotten together with Jon before they'd even left the States, but this trip wasn't just about swapping boyfriends. She had engaged in the self discovery that she'd set out to engage in. Her an Jon experimented and learned each other. She had a one night stand in France with a stanger, mainly because he had the nerve to suggest it. The sex museum in Amsterdam, entertaining the possibility of and even looking for a threesome, masterbating with Jon, she was getting in touch with her sexuality and it was there, hiding. It was as big and strong and beautiful as anyone elses and at last she was embracing it.

I told her about Bryna, who intimidated her a bit. Within hours of her return I felt her falling for me again. We had a wonderful kiss in the back of my bus, parked in front of my apartment which was full of our friends.

Monica moved in with Jon's grandmother as Jon went off to school. Our relationship was not defined and the great sexual revolution of Sacramento was underway. Everyone slept with everyone.

Bryna and I continued our affair and I was determined to bring my two lovers together. The closest I came was walking back and forth between them, taking turns kissing each of them.

Pete slept with Monica a couple of times and then had the nerve to resent me for continuing to have a relationship with her. It was agony and it was what I was offered and I would cling to it. It was at least an exciting agony.

I swung between feeling exhilerated and hopeless and empty. One night I was looking at a dirty knife, telling myself that if it was clean I'd use it to cut my wrists. I couldn't have cleaning up a knife that Pete had dirtied be my last act on earth and of course you can't commit suicide with a dirty knife. It's unsanitary and uncivilized. So instead I called my black, Vietnemese, lesbian friend April to take me away from it all. April took me to Berkely and checked us into a hotel. In the morning she took off her shirt and started kissing me much to my surprise. I made out with April and then she bought me coffee, breakfast and lunch. She dropped me back at home ready to jump back into the insanity of my life. With a growing group of friends I watched incredible films, ate good food, drank wine, smoked pot and had lots of sex with two beautiful lovers. I was in love with both of them, and neither of them were completely available to me.

Bryna and Monica began to join Pete and I on our roadtrips. On one trip I had sex with Bryna durring the night and Monica later in the afternoon. We got home and I had sex with April. Sex that didn't go very well at all. April had little experience having sex with men, and I was way to distracted to be a good teacher. The last thing I wanted at that point was a virgin. It wasn't where I was at. Give me a slut, let me be a student. I felt I had lots to learn before I could be anyone's teacher. I wrote about the uninspiring sex with April and my well intentioned devotion to complete disclosure led me to allow her a peek at my journal. She started crying as she read and I didn't see her again.

While I was being careless with the feelings of others, Monica was taking risks with her own safety. She didn't show up for a lunch date one afternoon. I waited until night, then I did some crank and stayed up all night worried sick. When she finally showed up near morning it was with some tale. It seems she'd accepted a ride from a stranger, a big burley man in a monster truck. He talked to her about what a great wife she'd make, and asked her if she'd come home with him. She said no, but when he asked her if she'd mind a quick stop to do a bit of four wheeling she said okay. He drove her to a remote spot and raced through the mud, until he got his truck stuck. She sat with him for hours, until another truck happened along and pulled him out. Then he took her home, finally. I was ready to scream at her, I couldn't believe she would take such a chance. Was she looking to get hurt. I remembered when she'd asked me if I was going to rape her. I didn't want to think what I was thinking. Monica started to cry before I said a word. I held her, and I cried a bit with her, so relieved that she came through okay.

Things with Bryna continued to be mostly wonderful. I would frequently sleep in my bus parked in the ally next to my apartment. I loved my bus. It was a self contained world that was all mine, away from the hectic life I shared. I would sneak out to my bus when I couldn't sleep. A midnight drive with no liscence would have me feeling calm and then I'd park, pull the curtains and fall asleep. One morning Bryna knocked on the sliding door and when I yanked it open she climbed in carrying to cups of coffee. She curled up next to me and we drank our coffee and cuddled.

Another time we had sex in the rain in the courtyard of a church. Bryna was wearing a pair of pants Monica had given her, and when Monica asked for the pants back we both failed at our sincer attempts not to gigle. These too brief moments were heaven.

Things with Bryna could turn sour as well. She was in love with me, and I was focussed obsessively on Monica still. She had arranged to stay the night with me, the whole night, a rare luxery. Monica was sleeping with Pete on the futon downstairs. The night was going amazing. Bryna wore a sexy black body suit. we had a bath and we drove each other wild. Then I let her read my diary. I never learned. I wrote about having to objectify her, not thinking about who I was with in order to stay turned on despite the confusing mix of emotions, not to mention the sexual fatigue I was experiencing. She read it. And she grabbed her things and went home, crying.

I wanted a new girlfriend I decided. I lay next to Monica and told her this. I told her I was done with all the complications we'd created. I would find a new love and dedicate myself fully to enjoying her in a healthy, sweet relationship. Monica immediately suggested Bryna. I pulled out my cock and masturbated, hoping she'd join me, or fuck me, or something. She watched. I zipped up and went for a walk.

Previous
Next