Gators and crack heads

Louisiana is crossed via an amazing set of elevated highways. From our vantage point the entire state was swamp and we were on a never ending bridge zooming over it on our way to New Orleans. A sign reading "Gas and Oil Park" mandated a stop. We had to know. There was no gas or oil that we could see, but there was a pool full of alligators.

Inside the visitors center we learned many fascinating and frightening facts about the large green monsters. Bryna listened intently as these dangerous reptiles both horrify and fascinate her. The high point of the Gas and Oil Park visit was meeting Pierre, a baby alligator who we were permited to hold. He was hard to hang onto as he was solid muscle. I asked if it was true that flipping an alligator on it's back and rubbing it's belly will hypnotize them. "No, that's just a myth." our guide answered.

I decided to give it a go anyway. I flipped him, pet his belly and within seconds he was hypnotized or at least sleeping. When I turned him right side up again he snapped back to life and he started chirping. I'd now hypnotized an aligator. I could cross that off my list.

So Bryna and I were in a good mood as we pulled into New Orleans. We decided to stay at a youth hostel despite the fact that we'd have to sleep in seperate rooms. It would be nice to have access to a kitchen and hostels are nice places to meet interesting people. Sure enough, I had just dropped my bag in the room where I'd be bunking when I ran into a German who started speaking to me in his native tongue. I responded with the one of very few German phrases I know. "Da"

This excited the curly haired Deutshlander and he started speaking a mile a minute. I nodded my head in time and when he finished I responded again; "Nein."

He looked at me, confused."Sprechen Sie Deutsches?"

I don't know what came over me. Before I had a chance for rational thought it came out. The third and final German phrase I knew, and the only one I'd not yet used. "Heil Hitler?" This did it. My new friend was yellling and jumping up and down.

"No. You are stupid American. This is not Germany, this stupid Hitler thing. This is terrible thing that is no more. You are so stupid. You are a bunch of shit."

"Woah, relax. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it was a bad joke. I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry. I don't speak German."

Miraculously I got him calmed down and we became friends. His name was Paul, pronounced with two syllables, almost like powell. After introducing Paul to Bryna we came across a group of international hostellers debating which nationality could drink the most. I nominated myself to represent America and the drinking Olympics began.

We hit several bars, including a hillarious basement heavy metal bar set up like a dungeon. At another bar I spotted a Sacramento t-shirt and said hello. "Hey, are you from Sac?"

"Yes I am. And I left. I didn't leave so I could talk to people from Sacramento. I left so that I wouldn't have to talk to people from Sacramento anymore."

"Wow. You're an asshole." I was winning the drinking olympics; It was the best come back I could come up with. By one a.m. Paul, Bryna and I were the last three people drinking, and they had switched to diet Coke. I'd won the gold.

On our way home we were approached by a midget. "Hey, you want some crack? I can get you some crack."

For the second time that day my mouth failed to check with my brain before spouting off. "You can't get crack. You can't get shit."

Bryna yanked on my arm pulling me away from the tiny crack salesman. "Wait. I can get you a one oh. I'll get it for you."

With Bryna leading the way I stumbled along. She was not interested in taking us the most direct route focusing instead on not being followed. Despite the mazelike trail we took, we were found. "Oh man, I've been looking for you. I got you a one oh man, just like a said. I got you a rock man. Gimme ten dollars."

Bryna stared in disbelief. She had nothing to worry about of course. I was on it. "I didn't say I wanted crack, I just said I didn't think you could get it. Good job. You proved me wrong. Bye bye." I slurred.

And then the tears came. The tiny man stood before us, crying and then fully sobbing. "Oh man, I can't go back without the ten bucks. They gonna kill me. They gonna kill me if I don't bring back the ten dollars." he blubbered. I looked to Bryna, and she just looked away. Then she realized what needed to be done.

"Keith, give him ten dollars." I reached in my pocket and gave him a ten, just as Bryna instructed. And he handed me the crack, much to Bryna's dismay. "GET RID OF THAT." she demanded.

"No way. I paid for it." and with this I resumed the stumble back to the hostel. I climbed in my bus when we got there.

"What are you doing?" Bryna asked.

"I'm looking for a can."

"why?"

"So I can smoke my crack." I found a can and I started to bend the surface of it.

"If you smoke that, I am leaving. I'm catching a Greyhound bus in the morning, and I'm out of here." I could see she meant it. I looked at the crack. It didn't seem like a fair decision to have to make. It would be wasteful to toss it. I mean, I HAD just paid ten dollars for it.

I was as drunk as I'd ever been, but even through the haze of alcohol I slowly realized that I preferred Bryna to the little white speck that was probably just a soap chip. I tossed it out the window of the bus and made my way to my room.

In the morning I got up before everyone else, somehow not in the least bit hung over. I chopped and diced and sliced and fried and served up breakfast to the disgraced losers with a sunny, "Top o' the morning to ya!" They responded with "Fuckin' American beer. You're just able to hold more water." and "I was still a bit hung over from the night before is all. I'll out drink you tonight for sure."

Bryna made it down eventually. I had her coffee all ready for her. We'd be heading off to Florida and Paul had invited himself to go with us. Having him along was a great distraction. We would forget to fight for the next week, and the crack incident wouldn't be mentioned until enough time had passed for it to become just another funny story.

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