Kim

Illustrations by Marcus, Grumblebee.com
I had considered wether or not Kim, the best friend, would make a good girlfriend. I decided against it. For one, she was very short and she dressed too plain. She had no flash. If I went out with her she'd be the first person who was actually a part of the clique of kids that I was trying to fit in with, but she was not very high up in the ranks and I liked her too much to let her be a rung on the ladder.

After the move to Sacramento, where I had the worse time making friends at all much less finding a girlfriend, I decided that I was in love with Kim, and that I had blown it by letting myself be affected by her status within the group and her height.

I survived day to day only by convincing myself that I'd move back to Corona, soon. I'd live at Jeremy's house. His mom would let me. I'd get it right. I'd make Kim my girlfriend. On my first visit back I went to see Kim and Amber, who I'd known since fourth grade. Amber seemed weird, looking in the mirror every couple of minutes. Kim was great. She'd really blossomed. She was still short but she was dressed really cool. She played the Violent Femmes for me and they instantly became my favorite band. Unfortunately, I was a mess. Maybe it was a puberty thing, or maybe I was just super nervous but I was sweating like I'd never sweat before. I had big wet spots under my arm pits and I was cripplingly self concious about it. I walked from Kim's house to Auburndale Junior High where my mom picked me up.

Back in Sacramento I continued to struggle both socially and academically. I became unborn again, parting ways with Jesus, and I discovered drugs. I was still sure that Kim was my future. I became close with Sherry, one of my teachers at the continuation school I'd been banished too. Sherry heard all about Kim. I was obsessed.

Visiting Corona, my old home town, again, I brought Roger, one of the few friends I'd made in Sac, with me. We went to my Brother Erick's place and got puking drunk on rum. I called Kim and professed my love with tears and regrets and probably some babbling and slurred speech as well. Roger stayed at Erick's while my old friend Miguel and I met up with Kim at the Mall. I was suffering from a monstrous hang over and hardly spoke a word. I was making a great impression.

Back to Sacramento. I started to find my place and I was losing touch with Kim. Amber had moved up to Sac as well so I had some connection still. Then Kim sent me a letter telling me she'd lost her virginity.

I cut each word of the letter out, carefully and then I spent hours rearranging the letters to compose a nasty letter back to her in her own words. I'd learned that being mean meant more when it took a-lot of effort. She called me and I wouldn't speak to her. I sat, silent on the phone until she hung up. When I heard that she had expressed concern regarding my drug use I called her and told her to fuck off with a standard 'You don't know me' speech.

I haven't heard from her since. The gossip is that she became very conservative after High School and even campaigned for Bush Sr. Still, I'd love to hear from her again.

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