My Life As Barbie, A Confession
I met Amber when she e-mailed me wanting an interview for Short Bus Magazine. I was flattered to have a fan (as she described herself) and doubly so when I met her and realized I had a CUTE fan. I collect Barbies, as does Amber and we hit it off right away. I begged her to join ICBINC and we've been performing for together for four years now. She rules.
by Amber Kloss
I might play Barbie for my ‘side job’ but trust me, I certainly don’t live the life of one of America’s most popular icons. Usually when I tell people I play Barbie for Mattel, I get hundreds of the same questions. It seems to me that people think that it’s a real glitzy exclusive job but I’m here to break that stereotype and answer the many questions I get.
I’ll start from the beginning, originally, I do theater and film acting, but I was offered the Barbie gig a few years ago through one of my casting agents, it sounded like fun, the pay was good, and hey, I’m a shameless vintage Barbie collector, I’ve always had a fondness for the princess of pink, and I figured it would be a fun opportunity.
The first time I had the gig I was scheduled to go to a grand opening of a Toy’s R Us in the bay area. My boyfriend at the time escorted me to the store to protect me from all the madness that was to follow. My Barbie appearance was scheduled to start at 1:00, so I arrived to the store around 11:30 to get the dress on and go over the details. As soon as we approached the entrance of this Toy’s R Us, there were literally hundreds of little girls with their mommies waiting in lines that wrapped around the store. I had no idea it was going to be this big of a turn out!
The kids in line didn’t know I was the girl that was going to play Barbie as I passed them all in line while heading to the back of the store, because I was in regular street clothes, but I did notice a few observant girls looking at me with a big smile on their face as if they were thinking, is that her? It was actually kind of cute. Once I arrived to the back of the store the management gave me this huge pink, taffeta, satin and lace layered dress, it must have weighed 25 pounds, and I had to wear this for how many hours? Okay, whoever made this dress must have been thinking the real human person who wears it would have the actual measurements that the toy Barbie has, I don’t have those measurements Barbie has, which in real life Barbie’s would be 36-18-33, and if Barbie was a real woman her measurements would be so out of proportion that she would have to walk on all fours and she wouldn’t even have a menstrual cycle! So once I squeezed into this dress and came out of the dressing room, I had to have two people help me walk to where I would meet the kids because the dress was too huge to walk in alone without help. Someone handed me a Sharpie pen to sign the “Barbie Head shots” with and went over the job duties with me really quickly, everything was a blur as I was already sweating and feeling faint in this heavy dress.
The next thing I know, as I dizzily stepped out to meet the kids, I hear the kids screaming “Barbie”. Cameras flash and it’s a madhouse in this store. What have I gotten myself into! One by one the kids step up to take a picture with me, and I sign their pictures, and try to write their names, some names I couldn’t pronounce, and some names the kids couldn’t even spell, which was holding up the line. I had parents getting upset about waiting, babies were crying, kids were fussing kids, and perverted Dads were asking if Barbie does bachelor or private parties, I had to deal with everyone that day. The kids asked me questions like; “Where do you get your dresses?” Barbie has to think fast with these types of questions, what would they think if they knew this Barbie actually shops at thrift stores?...”Mommy Barbie doesn’t shop at Nordstrom’s!!!” the key to answering their questions is you want to tell the kids what they want to hear.
The kids want to tell you about every single Barbie and Barbie item they own, they want to tell you how many times they have dressed up as Barbie for Halloween, they want you to come to their birthday party or class. Barbie can’t do that, but Barbie can take a picture with you and send you off with your parents who might take you to get a Happy Meal, “Have a good day kids and Skipper says hi!”
What I noticed is how trusting some of these parents were of me, I had Mothers throwing their new born babies in my arms for a picture, and I had to look comfortable so they don’t realize I don’t even know the proper way to hold a baby! Hours go by, and the lines aren’t getting any shorter, but the kids are getting crankier and Barbie’s signature is getting sloppier. During this time in the background I hear people’s commentary as they walk by, I hear women saying “What an ugly Barbie, why did they use her?” and turn to see an overweight unkempt women with five barefoot children at her side. I hear slimy men saying to one another to “Check out Barbie she’s pretty hot! Hey Barbie can you sit on my lap for a picture!?” as I turn and give them the old Barbie evil eye! Don’t mess with a woman wearing shiny pink stiletto heels unless you want to be kicked in your ass, then run over by a pink Corvette! Finally Barbie’s gig is almost over, whew!
When they announce to the crowd that Barbie will leave in 15 minutes, the crowd get’s crazy, it’s not even the kids so much as their parents, whining about how they have been in line all day and their kids won’t get to see Barbie! Once the time is up, I’m escorted back to the dressing rooms with security as the kids continue to follow us, until security tells them they can’t go back into the room. The kids don’t care they all huddle around the room just waiting for Barbie to do an encore appearance or something. Hallelujah amen! I finally get to take this pink garb off...but I have to be careful not to rip anything, ah yes, back to being a regular girl! Just as I’m ready to head out of the store and hop in my ‘get away car’ I’m stopped and warned by store management that there are still tons of kids waiting right outside the door that will see me, hmm, I didn’t realize Barbie could traumatize kids by showing herself in regular clothes and sans Barbie dress, kind of like when kids see Mickey headless, or Santa without his costume.
But they had a backup plan, they told us to use the back door to get away and avoid the kids, what would the kids think if they saw Barbie in some thrift store vintage dress and not an expensive designer dress? They were right, I don’t want to leave these kids knowing that underneath the blonde hair and pink attire is really a struggling actress, college student, living in downtown Sacramento and not Malibu, driving a Saturn, not a pink convertible, and writing for Short Bus, not Mademoiselle? I couldn’t do this to the children! God forbid these girls grow up and be comfortable with themselves and don’t starve themselves to achieve model-esque thinness, and are good at Math, and don’t date only rich blonde white boys with perfect tans like Ken....ah yes, no wonder Barbie is such a popular pop culture icon for America! Once we reached the car we quickly locked the doors and sped off, it was all over!
Okay all in all, despite some of what I said, I actually do have a lot of fun playing Barbie, I’ve gotten used to some of the craziness of it all and can now have a lot of fun with it! The kids are great and the parents are always grateful for my being there. And Barbie’s going places, and making changes, as of about the last year and a half now they have given her a more healthier athletic shape, they have actually given her some hips, downsized her disproportionate bust, a smaller mouth and ‘relaxed eyes’ and she now she even has a belly button! She’s looks more like a woman than a stick figure! Imagine that! This really is an exciting rewarding character for me to play, and I always look forward to talking to the girls and seeing them smile when they go home with a picture of them with Barbie. Some times I wonder, if one day this Barbie will have her Malibu dream home, fancy car and diamonds...and her Ken.
Read indy comic hot shot Jeffrey Brown's story HERE
My Cousin's brutal tale of being a beat cop in NYC is HERE
Swimming with dolphins in Gay Hawaii is HERE.
Being Will Ferrell is HERE.
And of course all of my own work tales are HERE!
and my home page is HERE.
by Amber KlossI might play Barbie for my ‘side job’ but trust me, I certainly don’t live the life of one of America’s most popular icons. Usually when I tell people I play Barbie for Mattel, I get hundreds of the same questions. It seems to me that people think that it’s a real glitzy exclusive job but I’m here to break that stereotype and answer the many questions I get.
I’ll start from the beginning, originally, I do theater and film acting, but I was offered the Barbie gig a few years ago through one of my casting agents, it sounded like fun, the pay was good, and hey, I’m a shameless vintage Barbie collector, I’ve always had a fondness for the princess of pink, and I figured it would be a fun opportunity.
The first time I had the gig I was scheduled to go to a grand opening of a Toy’s R Us in the bay area. My boyfriend at the time escorted me to the store to protect me from all the madness that was to follow. My Barbie appearance was scheduled to start at 1:00, so I arrived to the store around 11:30 to get the dress on and go over the details. As soon as we approached the entrance of this Toy’s R Us, there were literally hundreds of little girls with their mommies waiting in lines that wrapped around the store. I had no idea it was going to be this big of a turn out!
The kids in line didn’t know I was the girl that was going to play Barbie as I passed them all in line while heading to the back of the store, because I was in regular street clothes, but I did notice a few observant girls looking at me with a big smile on their face as if they were thinking, is that her? It was actually kind of cute. Once I arrived to the back of the store the management gave me this huge pink, taffeta, satin and lace layered dress, it must have weighed 25 pounds, and I had to wear this for how many hours? Okay, whoever made this dress must have been thinking the real human person who wears it would have the actual measurements that the toy Barbie has, I don’t have those measurements Barbie has, which in real life Barbie’s would be 36-18-33, and if Barbie was a real woman her measurements would be so out of proportion that she would have to walk on all fours and she wouldn’t even have a menstrual cycle! So once I squeezed into this dress and came out of the dressing room, I had to have two people help me walk to where I would meet the kids because the dress was too huge to walk in alone without help. Someone handed me a Sharpie pen to sign the “Barbie Head shots” with and went over the job duties with me really quickly, everything was a blur as I was already sweating and feeling faint in this heavy dress.
The next thing I know, as I dizzily stepped out to meet the kids, I hear the kids screaming “Barbie”. Cameras flash and it’s a madhouse in this store. What have I gotten myself into! One by one the kids step up to take a picture with me, and I sign their pictures, and try to write their names, some names I couldn’t pronounce, and some names the kids couldn’t even spell, which was holding up the line. I had parents getting upset about waiting, babies were crying, kids were fussing kids, and perverted Dads were asking if Barbie does bachelor or private parties, I had to deal with everyone that day. The kids asked me questions like; “Where do you get your dresses?” Barbie has to think fast with these types of questions, what would they think if they knew this Barbie actually shops at thrift stores?...”Mommy Barbie doesn’t shop at Nordstrom’s!!!” the key to answering their questions is you want to tell the kids what they want to hear.
The kids want to tell you about every single Barbie and Barbie item they own, they want to tell you how many times they have dressed up as Barbie for Halloween, they want you to come to their birthday party or class. Barbie can’t do that, but Barbie can take a picture with you and send you off with your parents who might take you to get a Happy Meal, “Have a good day kids and Skipper says hi!”
What I noticed is how trusting some of these parents were of me, I had Mothers throwing their new born babies in my arms for a picture, and I had to look comfortable so they don’t realize I don’t even know the proper way to hold a baby! Hours go by, and the lines aren’t getting any shorter, but the kids are getting crankier and Barbie’s signature is getting sloppier. During this time in the background I hear people’s commentary as they walk by, I hear women saying “What an ugly Barbie, why did they use her?” and turn to see an overweight unkempt women with five barefoot children at her side. I hear slimy men saying to one another to “Check out Barbie she’s pretty hot! Hey Barbie can you sit on my lap for a picture!?” as I turn and give them the old Barbie evil eye! Don’t mess with a woman wearing shiny pink stiletto heels unless you want to be kicked in your ass, then run over by a pink Corvette! Finally Barbie’s gig is almost over, whew!
When they announce to the crowd that Barbie will leave in 15 minutes, the crowd get’s crazy, it’s not even the kids so much as their parents, whining about how they have been in line all day and their kids won’t get to see Barbie! Once the time is up, I’m escorted back to the dressing rooms with security as the kids continue to follow us, until security tells them they can’t go back into the room. The kids don’t care they all huddle around the room just waiting for Barbie to do an encore appearance or something. Hallelujah amen! I finally get to take this pink garb off...but I have to be careful not to rip anything, ah yes, back to being a regular girl! Just as I’m ready to head out of the store and hop in my ‘get away car’ I’m stopped and warned by store management that there are still tons of kids waiting right outside the door that will see me, hmm, I didn’t realize Barbie could traumatize kids by showing herself in regular clothes and sans Barbie dress, kind of like when kids see Mickey headless, or Santa without his costume.
But they had a backup plan, they told us to use the back door to get away and avoid the kids, what would the kids think if they saw Barbie in some thrift store vintage dress and not an expensive designer dress? They were right, I don’t want to leave these kids knowing that underneath the blonde hair and pink attire is really a struggling actress, college student, living in downtown Sacramento and not Malibu, driving a Saturn, not a pink convertible, and writing for Short Bus, not Mademoiselle? I couldn’t do this to the children! God forbid these girls grow up and be comfortable with themselves and don’t starve themselves to achieve model-esque thinness, and are good at Math, and don’t date only rich blonde white boys with perfect tans like Ken....ah yes, no wonder Barbie is such a popular pop culture icon for America! Once we reached the car we quickly locked the doors and sped off, it was all over!
Okay all in all, despite some of what I said, I actually do have a lot of fun playing Barbie, I’ve gotten used to some of the craziness of it all and can now have a lot of fun with it! The kids are great and the parents are always grateful for my being there. And Barbie’s going places, and making changes, as of about the last year and a half now they have given her a more healthier athletic shape, they have actually given her some hips, downsized her disproportionate bust, a smaller mouth and ‘relaxed eyes’ and she now she even has a belly button! She’s looks more like a woman than a stick figure! Imagine that! This really is an exciting rewarding character for me to play, and I always look forward to talking to the girls and seeing them smile when they go home with a picture of them with Barbie. Some times I wonder, if one day this Barbie will have her Malibu dream home, fancy car and diamonds...and her Ken.
Read indy comic hot shot Jeffrey Brown's story HERE
My Cousin's brutal tale of being a beat cop in NYC is HERE
Swimming with dolphins in Gay Hawaii is HERE.
Being Will Ferrell is HERE.
And of course all of my own work tales are HERE!
and my home page is HERE.
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